Is indeed a thief in the night.
It stole you away from my sight.
How quickly can darkness cover the light!
Tears keep running down my cheek.
Swollen eyes and sleepless week.
Why can’t I seem to find what I seek?
In eternal thoughts of what ifs and could have been.
I’d stop crying then cry again.
It’s a vicious cycle of grief and pain.
They make me want to weep.
For they’re all that I have left.
How could I want to forget what I also want to keep?
Is perhaps this universe’s way of cheering up.
A lonely soul that needs a tap.
I can cry forever but I, at once, must stop.
While there’s still time to spend.
Is the message you would want to send.
To live relentlessly until the end.
So, for now my friend,
I’ll just look forward to a reunion in the end.
During difficult and emotional times, more often than not, I find it hard to express things verbally. I can’t seem to find the right things to say nor explain how I really feel. And just like right now, when I am consumed with so much sadness, my last resort is to write. So forgive me if I have to put these into words but no matter how I try to relieve my pain, it’s still so difficult to grasp the reality of it all.
So to my dear friend, to my dear Paul,
I still can’t believe you were gone too soon. My heart is still heavy with your passing and each day I fight the urge to cry. I know you don’t want to see us sad. But I remember you in almost everything I do. I remember you in every corner of our workplace. In my mind, I can still hear you call me “Tiffy”, specially with your tone when you were teasing me like you used to, as if you’re just somewhere though I can’t see you. I scan our previous conversations in different social media platforms and look at the pictures we shared, how could I know then that I won’t even be able to reach out to you before you’d leave?
I resent myself for so many things. I remember you explaining a misunderstanding between us where I haven’t talked to you when you were apologizing for a mistake you said you didn’t do. I did not forgive you then and a friend told me you were in the brink of tears but I refused to budge. Right now, that picture of you breaks my heart. I should have been more understanding. I can still see you approaching us while going to your car on the last day we saw you outside our workplace. I did not talk to you back then. Had I known that it was the last time I will ever see you alive, I should have hugged you tightly just like how much I want to hug you now. It’s been months since our last conversation when I was not able to even tell you “I missed you too”. I was not able to reach out even when a lot of things reminded me of you. I really feel guilty not being able to comfort you when you were in pain. I heard you’ve gone through so much these past few months that we were not communicating and I can’t imagine how it must have hurt you to see things falling apart. How I wish I was there beside you, to listen if not to console you with words that might have been hard to find then. I do not always have the best advice or the most comforting words but I would have loved to listen to you.
Right now, when there is nothing that I can do to change things, I just really want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. I am not the most expressive person, perhaps I was not able to make you feel that I was grateful for our friendship. But I am, always have and always will. You see, right now, when I think of you and remember all the good things you did for me, I smile. Our friendship is something that I will forever treasure. I remember you used to tell me you’ll start being nice once you turn 30. Though you never reached that age, you should know that you have already been a good person even then. The most generous, caring and loving to your friends and family.
I will miss you. I already miss you right now. It’s difficult for me perhaps because I was not able to see you after we resolve our conflict and there are so many things that are left unsaid in this lifetime. But right now, we have to move forward and go on with life. You remember you’ve been wanting to see me find a boyfriend, right? I might have one someday. I might even have a family you won’t be able to meet. But let me just move on with life for now. One day… Someday… As the end is inevitable, we will see each other again and I look forward to that reunion.
I love you, I love you! Rest now, my love.