Farewell

Death
Is indeed a thief in the night.
It stole you away from my sight.
How quickly can darkness cover the light!

Falling
Tears keep running down my cheek.
Swollen eyes and sleepless week.
Why can’t I seem to find what I seek?

Lost
In eternal thoughts of what ifs and could have been.
I’d stop crying then cry again.
It’s a vicious cycle of grief and pain. 

Memories
They make me want to weep.
For they’re all that I have left.
How could I want to forget what I also want to keep?

Rainbow
Is perhaps this universe’s way of cheering up.
A lonely soul that needs a tap.
I can cry forever but I, at once, must stop.

Live
While there’s still time to spend.
Is the message you would want to send.
To live relentlessly until the end.

So, for now my friend,
I’ll just look forward to a reunion in the end.

During difficult and emotional times, more often than not, I find it hard to express things verbally. I can’t seem to find the right things to say nor explain how I really feel. And just like right now, when I am consumed with so much sadness, my last resort is to write. So forgive me if I have to put these into words but no matter how I try to relieve my pain, it’s still so difficult to grasp the reality of it all.

So to my dear friend, to my dear Paul,

I still can’t believe you were gone too soon. My heart is still heavy with your passing and each day I fight the urge to cry. I know you don’t want to see us sad. But I remember you in almost everything I do. I remember you in every corner of our workplace. In my mind, I can still hear you call me “Tiffy”, specially with your tone when you were teasing me like you used to, as if you’re just somewhere though I can’t see you. I scan our previous conversations in different social media platforms and look at the pictures we shared, how could I know then that I won’t even be able to reach out to you before you’d leave?

I resent myself for so many things. I remember you explaining a misunderstanding between us where I haven’t talked to you when you were apologizing for a mistake you said you didn’t do. I did not forgive you then and a friend told me you were in the brink of tears but I refused to budge. Right now, that picture of you breaks my heart. I should have been more understanding. I can still see you approaching us while going to your car on the last day we saw you outside our workplace. I did not talk to you back then. Had I known that it was the last time I will ever see you alive, I should have hugged you tightly just like how much I want to hug you now. It’s been months since our last conversation when I was not able to even tell you “I missed you too”. I was not able to reach out even when a lot of things reminded me of you. I really feel guilty not being able to comfort you when you were in pain. I heard you’ve gone through so much these past few months that we were not communicating and I can’t imagine how it must have hurt you to see things falling apart. How I wish I was there beside you, to listen if not to console you with words that might have been hard to find then. I do not always have the best advice or the most comforting words but I would have loved to listen to you.

Right now, when there is nothing that I can do to change things, I just really want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. I am not the most expressive person, perhaps I was not able to make you feel that I was grateful for our friendship. But I am, always have and always will. You see, right now, when I think of you and remember all the good things you did for me, I smile. Our friendship is something that I will forever treasure. I remember you used to tell me you’ll start being nice once you turn 30. Though you never reached that age, you should know that you have already been a good person even then. The most generous, caring and loving to your friends and family.

I will miss you. I already miss you right now. It’s difficult for me perhaps because I was not able to see you after we resolve our conflict and there are so many things that are left unsaid in this lifetime. But right now, we have to move forward and go on with life. You remember you’ve been wanting to see me find a boyfriend, right? I might have one someday. I might even have a family you won’t be able to meet. But let me just move on with life for now. One day… Someday… As the end is inevitable, we will see each other again and I look forward to that reunion.

I love you, I love you! Rest now, my love.

 

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To The Girl With The Broken Universe

You are so much more than what you already know. You can do so much more than what you can even imagine.

I look at you and I am always at awe with how blessed you are with the qualities I would wish to be mine, maybe in the next lifetime. I can see no limit to what you can possibly make out of the talents you have. You are blessed and I want you to know that. I want you to remember that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

You’re the cool type. You’ve always been tough. The kind who won’t tolerate nonsense. Yet you also have the softest heart.

You love deeply and give every relationship your best shot. Never having to regret whenever it fails. Though despite all the efforts, I have seen your heart broken, several times. I have felt your heartaches and your drunken call one night with you sobbing on the other end of the line still breaks my heart until now. You’ve changed along the way.

I’ve missed the girl you once were. Though I am happy seeing the woman you’ve become. Your pain became your strength.

You may feel like having a broken universe, the one where you were supposed to have a happy ending with him but following the multiverse theory, there are still other universes existing right now. There’s this one universe, whole though old, that you can always turn to. That’s where we are, your friends, always waiting for you. Remember? We are your happy colors. We’ll paint that universe with all the shades you can ever imagine and we’ll fill it with cotton candies and Doraemon.

Someday, I know someone will come into your life and while I cannot promise a fairytale kind of love story, I know this will be something that’s worth the wait. I know because someone like you deserves so much happiness and one day it will come knocking on your door, in the most unexpected time with the most unexpected person. That will be your pot of gold, as what they say you’ll find at the end of a rainbow.

By the way, just so you know, you are really hard-headed MOST of the time. You might want to contemplate on that?

Still, you are my bestfriend and no matter how bitchy you may get at times, I will always have your back.

Reverie

I think I’d like to spend a slow kind of life with “you”.

I don’t want us to hurry things up and get exhausted in a roller-coaster kind of fast-paced love affair. It’s not the kind where we bump into each other in a crowded party place and then decide to level things up as soon as we stare into each other’s eyes. Not even being swept off my feet seeing you enter a restaurant then the next time I know I’m heading off to church for our wedding. I don’t think I’d like to get caught up in overwhelming emotions and decide right away that you are Mr. Right. We are not the speedy kind like the rap songs that make me nauseous. Instead we are the mellow ones, the soft, slow kind of music I listen to at night.

I figured I would rather a meeting straight out of a painting. Something set in a vintage coffee shop where I’d be sitting by the window with this lacy curtains hanging by its side. Where the sun’s light is the color a little after its afternoon peak and I read a book while sipping my coffee then you’d see me from the outside. I kind of like it to be like that or something similar to that. The way old people must have met once before life was all about technology, power and money. I want us to take each little step a little slowly. No rush. Just a relaxing ride of getting to know each other with comfortable space enough to breathe and make sure I’m still stuck in reality. I want us to live in the moment.

We’ll have dates. Real ones. Where we go out to watch a movie, not in your house, but in a MOVIEhouse. Where we go to church early on a Sunday morning then drink hot chocolate with “puto maya” afterwards. We’ll dance those slow old songs played in a piano in a garden outside a restaurant spent along with old couples who will charm us with their love stories and life learned lessons. We’ll experience serving in an orphanage and home for the aged at least once. We’ll go out fishing along with our family or go on a picnic with dear friends. We’ll face our fears together, go on cliff diving and bungee jumping and scream our frustrations out. We’ll write letters from time to time complete with address and stamp on it, the way they used to be before conversation was done through abbreviated and short-spelled chat and text messages. We’ll stop once in a while and savor each moment, appreciating the wonders of life. We’ll give more value on priceless things and be happy with the ones that money can never buy. I want it to feel real.

If we end up together and these things lead to marriage, I’d be happy to spend it simply with people who matter. I just want a union which would make us understand what marriage really is and remember the things that lead us to that day. Something that we can go back to whenever we’ll have misunderstandings for us to know why we chose each other in the first place. Then from then, I want an “Up” kind of life with a scrapbook to document the memories we are yet to make.

We’d settle in a country kind of place in a simple home that the two of us will help build. I want to be able to paint walls and move furniture with you. To be excited on the progress we’ll have by each passing day. We’ll have a big tree at the backyard with a swing we can have fun with. We’ll have chairs and tables below with lanterns hanging above where we can spend barbecue parties with friends. A little farther is our vegetable garden with some livestock for us to tend. We’ll grow flowers, lots and lots of them that will adorn our front lawn. Then we’ll have pine tress growing around. We’ll have a small neighborhood filled with friendly people we’d be sharing our food with, whom we can chat with after church service or when we are shopping at the market. We’ll prepare things for the kids we’ll soon have.

Our kids will be listening to musics and stories even before they’re born. We’ll decorate their vintage-colored rooms with books, maps and the ceiling will be filled with glow-in the-dark stickers of the night sky. Definitely with a taste of my geeky personality, say we put a fireplace in case we have some wizard visitors using the floo network? Or we can put Peter Pan inside their lampshade so his shadows will be reflected once it’s turned on. We can definitely have a circular door and The Little Prince will be surely part of the decoration. But I won’t decide what House they’ll be a part of, they will be sorted when they turn eleven. Once our angels are out, we’ll document their firsts; first smile, step, word, their growth and development. I want to be able to hug their small and vulnerable bodies, sharing my warmth with them. I want to sing them lullabies to sleep and be their armor protecting them from harm. I hope time won’t fly so fast and steal these cute bundles of joy away from us immediately. I hope to spend more time with them as kids.

We’ll play with them in the rain and wait for the rainbow afterwards. We’ll catch dragonflies and play “siatong”, “patintero”, “tumbang preso” and other Filipino traditional games. Our early morning will smell like pancakes and “pandesal” while our nights will be spent reading bedtime stories. We’ll learn and sing nursery rhymes together and we’ll visit parks where they can play their hearts out. We’ll allow them to fall many times, we won’t shelter them from pain, we’ll make them learn to stand up on their own but we will be there helping them throughout. You’ll work by the day and I’ll stay with kids. I’d learn how to cook and I’ll knit, guess I can try painting too and share the experience with the kids. The place maybe a little messy and it will be very noisy but that’s okay. I’ll let them help in the chores especially when they want to. The chores may take longer to be done, there maybe some broken or torn objects, the dish maybe a little overcook but we’ll let it pass. It’s the learning that will be forever instilled in their minds that’s important.

When they’re a little grown up, we’ll bring them to libraries and museums. We’ll hit the theater as well. We’ll be Mother Earth’s Army, joining tree planting activities and fun run for a cause. We’ll support their interests, cultivating their inborn talents. We’ll be their cheerleader. We’ll be present on every events as much as we can and we’ll celebrate with them their success. We’ll make sure to travel at least once a year where we will learn, understand and experience different cultures. We’ll teach them how to live life to the fullest and we’ll live with them.We’ll experience life the way it should be and won’t simply exist. It maybe a simple life but it will be a life lived well and truly.

If I think  about this, I actually find myself considering the idea of settling down. It might not even be so bad at all. I might not end up messing with a life involving others. I may be able to overcome my fear of responsibility. There  maybe a slight chance I’d deserve and experience this kind of life. It is not for us to tell for who knows, just who knows what the future holds?

My Struggle As An Introvert

 

I have always wanted to be liked by others. I tried to be pleasant. I tried to do things correctly. I tried to work beyond what is average or acceptable. I have set high standards for myself. I have pride myself for my reservations and put a great value to what I thought I have within me. But lately, things made me realize I am not at all pleasing. I am nothing but an erupting volcano. A little force or slight pressure will make me explode and damage everything around me. As much as I wanted to be the ideal grace under pressure, I just can’t. I cannot control my emotions and in the midst of confusion, I become devious rather than calm.

I am an introvert, and more than that I am a geek, a nerd. My friend posted once that in a society that requires extroversion, being an introvert is really hard. More than requiring, I am in a field that promotes it. Everyday is a struggle. I have to endure each day I spent in the outside world, trying my best to communicate with others. I always look forward to end the day and snuggle back to the comfort and warmth of my blankets at home. It’s easy to know that while there are also introverts like me, we are way lesser than our bubbly, socially active and engaging counterparts.

My mind is overflowing with ideas wishing to be exposed to the world. The problem, and what others do not understand, is that I have a difficulty of expressing verbally. When there’s so many things going on in my head, it’s a problem translating that into words, especially impromptu. Facts are okay. I read, I research and once in an argument, I may clearly defend my case by being familiar with the topic. Yet when it comes to emotions, whenever I need to express what I feel, words–my constant companion, always fail me.

Whenever in a situation where my security is threatened, my automatic response is to put a wall between me and everyone else. I find myself putting up an independent, strong and snob image to repel others. I hardly smile. I don’t talk to strangers. And the only company I truly enjoy is with myself, my books or with my fellow introverts. While I enjoy being around my extrovert friends, there are just things they do that is beyond my capacity to tolerate.

The hardest thing to explain is that when your introversion is beyond 90%, you are always skeptical when it comes to communicating, most especially with strangers. You tend to shy away from everyone who tries to reach out. Not because you are mean but because socializing is too exhausting for you. Everyone will tell you to get over it, come out of your shell and that you can do it. Easier to say than done. They have to understand, there are different types of introvert. I am the monk type. As it may seem the most normal thing to do, others will never understand the horrible feeling of my kind mixed in a crowd. You feel lost. You panic. You can clearly hear the bustling around that torments you. The noise; from the sound of people chatting, their heavy breathing, babies crying, tires screeching, metals clanking, footsteps, all these and many more combined in a crowded place push you to the point of losing your mind.

I have always wanted to shake off my inferiority, my awkwardness around people. I want to be the person who’s easily understood but all attempts are to no avail. Instead, I made myself look like a rebel, a liberated bad ass with much pride and less empathy. My attempts to be approachable are hopeless and my response always come out negative. More than sheltering myself, my need to seclude is to avoid hurting other’s feeling. Again, I am an erupting volcano, I pose a threat to everyone that surround me.

I have so much to say, to relay, to explain but whenever I start talking, my mouth betrays me. I just can’t seem to find the right words at the right time. I always need to rehearse the things I would say but that doesn’t even help. I always have to go back to that moment and change the scenarios in my mind, figuring out where I went wrong, but then it will be worthless. I am confused with so many things that sometimes I end up being confused with myself.

Playful

Playful

But what is more playful
than the connivance of fate and time?

Fate’s been joking with all of us
Giving false expectations when there should be none
Hinders what is hoped for
Yet gives way to what is dreaded.

Time is definitely its equal
Playing with your emotion
Shortens your happy days
Yet lengthens the tormenting ones.

A collaboration that is sometimes
beyond our capacity to tolerate.

In Another Universe, I Won’t Regret Letting You Go

The multiverse theory was introduced to me through Gabi Dunn’s tearjerker blog post,  Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You. I was so moved I cried. I guess because it was timely. Or maybe because the idea of having different universes simultaneously existing with different versions of the lives that we might have yet never had here and now is just too good to be rejected. Afterall, while the idea is disputable, who wouldn’t want to be comforted with the thought that somewhere in a universe different from ours but happening right now, we end up together? That I took the chance to truly live and never have to spend everyday regretting not taking the risk. That we are spending our glorious days and a life lived well together. That I don’t have to confess to my pillows at nights through tears and sniffs of how badly I wanted a second chance. For the ones asking for a different ending, the multiverse is a perfect escape. Then you’ll just have to think how you’d want it to end.

While almost everyone speak about the happily-ever-after kind of ending for their lost love, I have decided that starting from now, I’d go for the other way around. Wasting the past eight years of my life in this universe is more than enough.

So, in another universe, I won’t regret letting you go.

In another universe, I will be contented. I will cry a little, spent a few months moving on but I will not hinder myself in finding happiness in some other ways. I won’t look for you in every single guy I meet. I won’t search for the same loving eyes or same cheerful smile through every crowd I’m with. I will spend every single day after letting you go finding my life’s purpose and making the best out of everyday. I will no longer be confused on what to do with my life. I will know what I want and I’ll work very hard to achieve it. I will make my short life worth living.

In that universe I will see you and will not feel awkward. I will not have to hide my face behind a folder and run up the stairs in our college’s library once I see you approaching. I won’t have to pretend asleep inside the jeepney once I see you riding the same one. I won’t have to unfollow your Facebook account because I won’t get nervous everytime I see your name in my timeline. I won’t have to stalk using Google because I won’t be afraid Facebook and Instagram will have an update to track who’s stalking who. I won’t be paranoid over discussions regarding high school reunion. I won’t be afraid. I won’t be bothered. There’ll be no insecurities because then and there I have moved on with my life. I have everything set and a bright future is ahead of me.

There, once I look back, I will know the reason why we did not end up together. I will understand why things did not workout the way I have always wanted to. And there, it will be okay. Once I see you, I’ll see all the good memories flashing back yet I will just smile at them, then move on. Maybe, in that universe, we can even be good friends. We can go back to what we used to be. You can ask for my advice and we can go over our usual discussions. We may even fight or argue once in a while but we’ll remain friends. I might also discover that you are not entirely how I imagined you in my daydreams and sleepless nights. I will see the flaws I have been ignoring for so long. I might become realistic, if only then and there.

In another universe, I will be thankful we met but I will be grateful that I let you go.