Dear Biggest Regret,
How long have I been loving you? Seven years? I could hardly believe what I thought was a simple feeling would actually go a long way. Then how long have I been hurt? Six years? Yeah. It’s been six long years that I have been regretting letting you go. Six years of pain and remorse. I never knew that I would be loving you this long, this much. I guess I never really knew your worth until when you’re gone.
For this last six years I’ve got a lot of questions and most of all things I was never able to say, to express. At first, I was hesitant because, would it be right to do the first move when you are the girl? I am sorry for myself that I used to think foolishly this way. And now that I have finally come to this point where I can take all the risk and put away all my pride just to let you know how much I truly value you, it’s already too late. I have had the courage when you’re no longer there to listen to the things I longed to say. Yet, deep down, I still want to say the things I have kept for so long. If there’s no way telling you personally, I’ll do this right here. Where I can freely express.
First, I really want to say thank you. I know thanks won’t be enough to wrap up my gratitude for all the things you did. I wanna thank you for your patience. Looking back I realized how cruel I had been. I realized I must have made your life miserable with how I talk to you or treat you in front of others. I go shouting because you don’t clean with us. I make your reporting a debate because I want to show you’re not good with what was assigned to you. I closed the classroom door so you could not participate with the discussion. I snob you whenever I caught you looking at me. I have said bad words, cursed you, call you filthy words. And the list would surely go on. Yet you were never mad. You even promised you never will. I thought you were immature but it was me who was being childish and it was you who understood it all. You looked through me and never stopped appreciating what and where I am good at. You were also always the first to appreciate me. Thanks because I felt you were ready to sacrifice things for me. Thanks because you tried showing you can stand by me. For doing special and touching things to make sure I won’t get hurt and not letting me know because you’re too humble to say. You see, I know about those things but I could not bring myself to tell you that you made me the happiest for being there when I need you most. For the curtains under the rain, for the song during the foundation day, the paper drawn flower which was also the first flower I ever had. For the smileys, for the take care messages from time to time. For the many firsts, a thank you won’t surely be enough.
Next, I am so sorry. For thinking of others first. For sacrificing you over the people who won’t stay with me anyway if I choose them. For listening to them when I know people will always have something to say. For faltering in my trust with you when I clearly saw your efforts. For believing that I am just a supposed to be rebound relationship, that I am no good for you and that things will only be fine if I will give you back to who righteously own you. I’m so sorry for being so weak. When you fought for me, I should have stood with you faithfully. I’m sorry I held back. I’m sorry I did not follow my heart when that was what I have been telling you to do before. I’m sorry if in any way I made you feel you were fighting alone. I was fighting too but I was too frightened to even step up. So I am greatly sorry I was overcome by fear. If ever you thought you were fighting a losing battle, I guess now I know how you might have felt.
Finally, I just want you to know and I should have told you this way back then, I love you. I have loved you, still loving you and guess will be loving you the same way I had when I fell in love with you seven years ago. I don’t even know how to stop or if I would ever stop. Yet one thing is for sure, you’ll always be special. You’ll always have a special room in my heart that no one could ever replace. The memories will remain in me until I grow old. And I will always remember your sweet smile and loving eyes. And sure enough whenever I’ll think of you, I will smile and be happy because you’re one of the best things that ever happened to me. There was never an us but maybe the reason why it’s so hard to move on is because it was true. Today, true love hardly comes and I am happy that what I have with you, and hopefully what we had, was one of those remaining few. Well that was until you met her.
Even though I saw it coming, I have always been in denial. So when you finally had a girlfriend, the pain was still so much I actually got sick. It surely hurt, though it was never us and if it ever was, the three month rule was truly way passed. I still could not believe I have completely lost you over to someone new. I can’t believe I lost without even giving a good damn fight. I guess that’s what actually made it more painful. I was stuck in the stage of acceptance. And though my friends would try their best to slap me with the truth, I still could not get over. I’m numb. I still cry, tons of it, but I could no longer explain my pain. It’s there and yet it isn’t.
I stalk- a lot of times, and I can see how happy you are with your girlfriend right now. I can see you are a picture of a perfect couple. Those who seems to go through challenges successfully together. Those who would last a lifetime. And whenever I look at her, I’m hurt. Because I could see something of me in her. We could have been friends if it were not for this. And I’m hurt the most because I can see that you look at her the way you used to look at me. You smile at her the way you used to smile at me whenever you greet me before. Then maybe, you love her more than you loved me. I could not help thinking how it could have been me, there beside you where she is right now.
There will always be those what ifs. What if I did not listen to them? What if I was stronger? What if I took the risk? What if I said yes? Those were questions that will no longer be answered. I will have to spend the rest of my life asking why. I know I’m being silly. I know I should move on and yet I can’t. How does one unlove someone? How do people move on? I surely have not yet found my answers. Yet I know I tried. My friends will bug me for foolishly being stuck with you but they can’t take it that I tried the hardest to move on. I go out with friends, I laugh with people’s silly jokes, I read a lot. I keep on pretending I am perfectly fine but nothing happened. So, I gave up my attempts. I cried. Cried again. Then cried another time. I told myself to live through it, to just feel the pain. I still have those questions unanswered. But through all this, there’s one thing I am sure of. I am happy for you. After all you did, who am I to complain? And when I clearly see you’re in good situation, how can I wish you ill? After all, true love is not selfish. It’s your happiness and not mine that matters. So if you’re happy with her, then I’ll step back. I am happy that at least one of us will have a happy ending. Anyway, who knows? Time might come I no longer have to spend my life asking those questions because I will discover their purpose. For now, I’ll be contented knowing you are happy, with somebody else.
You taught me one good lesson though. That sometimes we are only given one shot at some good things in life. So we have to learn to be brave, to take risks, to live one day at a time, to just stop worrying. I learned that if we can and there’s someone to give it to, then to give in, to love deeply and earnestly. I hope there will be a next life and should we meet again and fall in love, I hope I’ll remember this. I hope I can, as I have always been telling you, will finally follow my heart.
(photo credits to: Mandy Lynne Photography)