I once thought and often write how I believe I could not get over my first love. I thought that first love never dies indeed as most people say. I cried whenever I hear broken hearted songs believing that they were entirely written and dedicated for me. I was lost on the what ifs of our should-have-been love story that I could not answer. I entertained no one as if it is a crime to even think of them. I was helpless by my own doing. Broken and bitter. Then maybe I got tired of making myself miserable so I started this crazy 21 days challenge to forget him.
It was hard. No, it was very very hard. The fact that I was not suppose to entertain thoughts of him was almost impossible. I spent the last seven years of my life thinking of him and he even visited my mind even without me intending to. I spoke his name out of nowhere in my random thoughts when I was awake and I could not get rid of him in my dreams when I was asleep. So the past weeks were tormenting, a pain beyond compare and yet, I barely noticed it coming to an end.
Well, as fate would have it, it played a joke on us again. What better way of ending it than seeing him with his girlfriend in my not so prepared day. If it was before I might have been cursing fate for messing up. I would have been replaying the scenario in my mind changing details to how I would like it to be. But no, I was shocked I was not doing it anymore. In fact, I just laughed at it. Maybe it was the result of my challenge. Or maybe it was because of you.
I read once that your first love dies when the second is born. You might not yet be my second but who knows. Though I smile at the idea that I’m writing something that is no longer solely meant for my past. I never thought this would come. It’s like something I never knew could happen. I am not sure what I really feel. I am not even sure if this would be requited. Yet I wonder at my brave leap to this one chance that very very seldom comes. You interest me in a way that is nothing but inspiring. You bring back the kind of smile I thought I will no longer have the chance to see. You make me look forward to something I will be giggling over the next few days. And that’s even when we are not yet introduced.
Right now, while writing this, I can still picture you in my mind; smiling. Your smile is like a scent that lingers in my nostrils. A taste from a real great food from last night’s dinner I could not get over with. Like the last song I heard that I could not stop singing. Your smile is contagious. So when you smile, I smile too. I smile when our eyes meet. And from then to the next hours I will wear that same smile. I will even smile myself to sleep. It has been two days since I saw you but still, I’m smiling.
This is not unlike the things that could happen to others but I marvel at myself having someone new in mind. There’s a chance you are taken. A good chance you like someone else. A possibility you like someone with the same gender. But I am asking fate that hopefully there’s a chance bigger than those mentioned that you will come to notice me among the many others around you.
I’m like, fate come on, pretty please?!
I do hope you will share the kind of smile I have for you. Or that you are already smiling right now thinking of me too. There are so many things that will still unfold. Yet we are under the same sky. We breathe the same air. So long as we walk the same earth, I think I have the same good chance as others have.
First love may never entirely die, just gotten over. There will still be those memories. As for me, when I remember the past or read the blogs I posted and the things I wrote, I have nothing but gratitude. I thank him for the good times but that’s all there is. Well, I might have learned the art of letting go. Or realized that moving on actually exists. But surely I noticed that I write about him and us in past tense and that really makes sense. As for you, you are most welcome in my pretty dull life with mostly routines. In fact I think we may very well compliment each other and you might just be the type I exactly need to bring some more fun in my life.
(photo credits to: m.lesliemiletich.com)