Letting go has always been the hardest for me. When I lost my supposed-to-be love story, I thought I would be fine. I was busy with school so I was caught up with a lot of things that distracted me. Yet I have to admit that even then I was already miserable. Whenever he crossed my mind, there is that pain that seems to be squeezing a part of my heart. When I saw him holding hands with his female friend, I was jealous to the point that I would cry in silence because I don’t know what the real deal was. Yet I remained hopeful that one day he will come back to me. I was lost in the idea that what was a once upon a time would actually turn to a happily ever after. I thought our pocketbook love story will make it through. But I was mistaken. It seems like happy ending is not as easily achieved as in the fairy tales we have grown up reading. Or maybe I forgot that the magic of true love only comes to those who will fight for it. When I let him go seven years ago, I didn’t imagine seeing him in the arms of somebody else because had I only seen it coming, I wouldn’t have even dared. When he went away, I just watched him go without doing anything to make him stay. I watched him take every little step away from me. Those little steps that further shattered my already broken heart. Yet I remained silent though deep inside watching him go felt like watching my forever fell apart. When I graduated, when I was no longer the busy girl, that was when everything dawned on me. I realized what I exactly lost. I lost a gem and I can never have it back. I shed tons of tears, I even cried myself to sleep but no matter what I do, no matter how I regret, I have to admit that there is no way of winning him back. I became miserable. I was bitter. I cried even in front of others in public places like I no longer care what others would think of me. I seldom fall but when I do, I hardly get over it. I really thought I will no longer be fine. Sometimes though, when the pain is too much, you became numb. And just when you have already given up hope, a light appears that will take you out of the darkness. Something that is not from the outside but from the inside. Then you’ll realize that no one can actually help you but yourself. And that’s when I bid pain goodbye and greeted letting go.
I had it the hard way. It’s so hard to redeem yourself when you are not ready to be redeemed. But when I started to let him go wholeheartedly, that’s when the pain subsided. There are so many things that still remind me of him. Fate still play jokes on me. There’s when his birthday repeatedly appears on my members’ accounts or signifies time. When I accidentally “favorited” someone’s tweet, someone whom I never knew who has a name like his. There’s when I saw lovers who has almost the same love story like ours had we pursue our dream university. Then there’s still so much more to add to the list. Yet I stand firm with my decision to let go and give myself some peace. I know that I very much deserve to be happy. And when others can’t love me back, I’ve decided to find that comfort within. So that’s what I am doing right now. I try to embrace what I have, that includes the assets and the flaws. I am trying to love myself more each day, and with that I mean every fiber of my being. I might still be a long way to go to finding true love but for now I’ll enjoy being single first. I want to be the person who’s alone (romantically) but definitely not lonely.
(photo credits to: quotesonimages.com)