In Another Universe, I Won’t Regret Letting You Go

The multiverse theory was introduced to me through Gabi Dunn’s tearjerker blog post,  Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You. I was so moved I cried. I guess because it was timely. Or maybe because the idea of having different universes simultaneously existing with different versions of the lives that we might have yet never had here and now is just too good to be rejected. Afterall, while the idea is disputable, who wouldn’t want to be comforted with the thought that somewhere in a universe different from ours but happening right now, we end up together? That I took the chance to truly live and never have to spend everyday regretting not taking the risk. That we are spending our glorious days and a life lived well together. That I don’t have to confess to my pillows at nights through tears and sniffs of how badly I wanted a second chance. For the ones asking for a different ending, the multiverse is a perfect escape. Then you’ll just have to think how you’d want it to end.

While almost everyone speak about the happily-ever-after kind of ending for their lost love, I have decided that starting from now, I’d go for the other way around. Wasting the past eight years of my life in this universe is more than enough.

So, in another universe, I won’t regret letting you go.

In another universe, I will be contented. I will cry a little, spent a few months moving on but I will not hinder myself in finding happiness in some other ways. I won’t look for you in every single guy I meet. I won’t search for the same loving eyes or same cheerful smile through every crowd I’m with. I will spend every single day after letting you go finding my life’s purpose and making the best out of everyday. I will no longer be confused on what to do with my life. I will know what I want and I’ll work very hard to achieve it. I will make my short life worth living.

In that universe I will see you and will not feel awkward. I will not have to hide my face behind a folder and run up the stairs in our college’s library once I see you approaching. I won’t have to pretend asleep inside the jeepney once I see you riding the same one. I won’t have to unfollow your Facebook account because I won’t get nervous everytime I see your name in my timeline. I won’t have to stalk using Google because I won’t be afraid Facebook and Instagram will have an update to track who’s stalking who. I won’t be paranoid over discussions regarding high school reunion. I won’t be afraid. I won’t be bothered. There’ll be no insecurities because then and there I have moved on with my life. I have everything set and a bright future is ahead of me.

There, once I look back, I will know the reason why we did not end up together. I will understand why things did not workout the way I have always wanted to. And there, it will be okay. Once I see you, I’ll see all the good memories flashing back yet I will just smile at them, then move on. Maybe, in that universe, we can even be good friends. We can go back to what we used to be. You can ask for my advice and we can go over our usual discussions. We may even fight or argue once in a while but we’ll remain friends. I might also discover that you are not entirely how I imagined you in my daydreams and sleepless nights. I will see the flaws I have been ignoring for so long. I might become realistic, if only then and there.

In another universe, I will be thankful we met but I will be grateful that I let you go.

On Letting Go

On Letting Go

Letting go has always been the hardest for me. When I lost my supposed-to-be love story, I thought I would be fine. I was busy with school so I was caught up with a lot of things that distracted me. Yet I have to admit that even then I was already miserable. Whenever he crossed my mind, there is that pain that seems to be squeezing a part of my heart. When I saw him holding hands with his female friend, I was jealous to the point that I would cry in silence because I don’t know what the real deal was. Yet I remained hopeful that one day he will come back to me. I was lost in the idea that what was a once upon a time would actually turn to a happily ever after. I thought our pocketbook love story will make it through. But I was mistaken. It seems like happy ending is not as easily achieved as in the fairy tales we have grown up reading. Or maybe I forgot that the magic of true love only comes to those who will fight for it. When I let him go seven years ago, I didn’t imagine seeing him in the arms of somebody else because had I only seen it coming, I wouldn’t have even dared. When he went away, I just watched him go without doing anything to make him stay. I watched him take every little step away from me. Those little steps that further shattered my already broken heart. Yet I remained silent though deep inside watching him go felt like watching my forever fell apart.  When I graduated, when I was no longer the busy girl, that was when everything dawned on me. I realized what I exactly lost. I lost a gem and I can never have it back. I shed tons of tears, I even cried myself to sleep but no matter what I do, no matter how I regret, I have to admit that there is no way of winning him back. I became miserable. I was bitter. I cried even in front of others in public places like I no longer care what others would think of me. I seldom fall but when I do, I hardly get over it. I really thought I will no longer be fine. Sometimes though, when the pain is too much, you became numb. And just when you have already given up hope, a light appears that will take you out of the darkness. Something that is not from the outside but from the inside. Then you’ll realize that no one can actually help you but yourself. And that’s when I bid pain goodbye and greeted letting go.

I had it the hard way. It’s so hard to redeem yourself when you are not ready to be redeemed. But when I started to let him go wholeheartedly, that’s when the pain subsided. There are so many things that still remind me of him. Fate still play jokes on me. There’s when his birthday repeatedly appears on my members’ accounts or signifies time. When I accidentally “favorited” someone’s tweet, someone whom I never knew who has a name like his. There’s when I saw lovers who has almost the same love story like ours had we pursue our dream university. Then there’s still so much more to add to the list. Yet I stand firm with my decision to let go and give myself some peace. I know that I very much deserve to be happy. And when others can’t love me back, I’ve decided to find that comfort within. So that’s what I am  doing right now. I try to embrace what I have, that includes the assets and the flaws. I am trying to love myself more each day, and with that I mean every fiber of my being. I might still be a long way to go to finding true love but for now I’ll enjoy being single first. I want to be the person who’s alone (romantically) but definitely not lonely.

(photo credits to: quotesonimages.com)