Reverie

I think I’d like to spend a slow kind of life with “you”.

I don’t want us to hurry things up and get exhausted in a roller-coaster kind of fast-paced love affair. It’s not the kind where we bump into each other in a crowded party place and then decide to level things up as soon as we stare into each other’s eyes. Not even being swept off my feet seeing you enter a restaurant then the next time I know I’m heading off to church for our wedding. I don’t think I’d like to get caught up in overwhelming emotions and decide right away that you are Mr. Right. We are not the speedy kind like the rap songs that make me nauseous. Instead we are the mellow ones, the soft, slow kind of music I listen to at night.

I figured I would rather a meeting straight out of a painting. Something set in a vintage coffee shop where I’d be sitting by the window with this lacy curtains hanging by its side. Where the sun’s light is the color a little after its afternoon peak and I read a book while sipping my coffee then you’d see me from the outside. I kind of like it to be like that or something similar to that. The way old people must have met once before life was all about technology, power and money. I want us to take each little step a little slowly. No rush. Just a relaxing ride of getting to know each other with comfortable space enough to breathe and make sure I’m still stuck in reality. I want us to live in the moment.

We’ll have dates. Real ones. Where we go out to watch a movie, not in your house, but in a MOVIEhouse. Where we go to church early on a Sunday morning then drink hot chocolate with “puto maya” afterwards. We’ll dance those slow old songs played in a piano in a garden outside a restaurant spent along with old couples who will charm us with their love stories and life learned lessons. We’ll experience serving in an orphanage and home for the aged at least once. We’ll go out fishing along with our family or go on a picnic with dear friends. We’ll face our fears together, go on cliff diving and bungee jumping and scream our frustrations out. We’ll write letters from time to time complete with address and stamp on it, the way they used to be before conversation was done through abbreviated and short-spelled chat and text messages. We’ll stop once in a while and savor each moment, appreciating the wonders of life. We’ll give more value on priceless things and be happy with the ones that money can never buy. I want it to feel real.

If we end up together and these things lead to marriage, I’d be happy to spent it simply with people who matter. I just want a union which would make us understand what marriage really is and remember the things that lead us to that day. Something that we can go back to whenever we’ll have misunderstandings for us to know why we chose each other in the first place. Then from then, I want an “Up” kind of life with a scrapbook to document the memories we are yet to make.

We’d settle in a country kind of place in a simple home that the two of us will help build. I want to be able to paint walls and move furniture with you. To be excited on the progress we’ll have by each passing day. We’ll have a big tree at the backyard with a swing we can have fun with. We’ll have chairs and tables below with lanterns hanging above where we can spend barbecue parties with friends. A little farther is our vegetable garden with some livestock for us to tend. We’ll grow flowers, lots and lots of them that will adorn our front lawn. Then we’ll have pine tress growing around. We’ll have a small neighborhood filled with friendly people we’d be sharing our food with, whom we can chat with after church service or when we are shopping at the market. We’ll prepare things for the kids we’ll soon have.

Our kids will be listening to musics and stories even before they’re born. We’ll decorate their vintage-colored rooms with books, maps and the ceiling will be filled with glow-in the-dark stickers of the night sky. Definitely with a taste of my geeky personality, say we put a fireplace in case we have some wizard visitors using the floo network? Or we can put Peter Pan inside their lampshade so his shadows will be reflected once it’s turned on. We can definitely have a circular door and The Little Prince will be surely part of the decoration. But I won’t decide what House they’ll be a part of, they will be sorted when they turn eleven. Once our angels are out, we’ll document their firsts; first smile, step, word, their growth and development. I want to be able to hug their small and vulnerable bodies, sharing my warmth with them. I want to sing them lullabies to sleep and be their armor protecting them from harm. I hope time won’t fly so fast and steal these cute bundles of joy away from us immediately. I hope to spend more time with them as kids.

We’ll play with them in the rain and wait for the rainbow afterwards. We’ll catch dragonflies and play “siatong”, “patintero”, “tumbang preso” and other Filipino traditional games. Our early morning will smell like pancakes and “pandesal” while our nights will be spent reading bedtime stories. We’ll learn and sing nursery rhymes together and we’ll visit parks where they can play their hearts out. We’ll allow them to fall many times, we won’t shelter them from pain, we’ll make them learn to stand up on their own but we will be there helping them throughout. You’ll work by the day and I’ll stay with kids. I’d learn how to cook and I’ll knit, guess I can try painting too and share the experience with the kids. The place maybe a little messy and it will be very noisy but that’s okay. I’ll let them help in the chores especially when they want to. The chores may take longer to be done, there maybe some broken or torn objects, the dish maybe a little overcook but we’ll let it pass. It’s the learning that will be forever instilled in their minds that’s important.

When they’re a little grown up, we’ll bring them to libraries and museums. We’ll hit the theater as well. We’ll be Mother Earth’s Army, joining tree planting activities and fun run for a cause. We’ll support their interests, cultivating their inborn talents. We’ll be their cheerleader. We’ll be present on every events as much as we can and we’ll celebrate with them their success. We’ll make sure to travel at least once a year where we will learn, understand and experience different cultures. We’ll teach them how to live life to the fullest and we’ll live with them.We’ll experience life the way it should be and won’t simply exist. It maybe a simple life but it will be a life lived well and truly.

If I think  about this, I actually find myself considering the idea of settling down. It might not even be so bad at all. I might not end up messing with a life involving others. I may be able to overcome my fear of responsibility. There  maybe a slight chance I’d deserve and experience this kind of life. It is not for us to tell for who knows, just who knows what the future holds?

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My Struggle As An Introvert

 

I have always wanted to be liked by others. I tried to be pleasant. I tried to do things correctly. I tried to work beyond what is average or acceptable. I have set high standards for myself. I have pride myself for my reservations and put a great value to what I thought I have within me. But lately, things made me realize I am not at all pleasing. I am nothing but an erupting volcano. A little force or slight pressure will make me explode and damage everything around me. As much as I wanted to be the ideal grace under pressure, I just can’t. I cannot control my emotions and in the midst of confusion, I become devious rather than calm.

I am an introvert, and more than that I am a geek, a nerd. My friend posted once that in a society that requires extroversion, being an introvert is really hard. More than requiring, I am in a field that promotes it. Everyday is a struggle. I have to endure each day I spent in the outside world, trying my best to communicate with others. I always look forward to end the day and snuggle back to the comfort and warmth of my blankets at home. It’s easy to know that while there are also introverts like me, we are way lesser than our bubbly, socially active and engaging counterparts.

My mind is overflowing with ideas wishing to be exposed to the world. The problem, and what others do not understand, is that I have a difficulty of expressing verbally. When there’s so many things going on in my head, it’s a problem translating that into words, especially impromptu. Facts are okay. I read, I research and once in an argument, I may clearly defend my case by being familiar with the topic. Yet when it comes to emotions, whenever I need to express what I feel, words–my constant companion, always fail me.

Whenever in a situation where my security is threatened, my automatic response is to put a wall between me and everyone else. I find myself putting up an independent, strong and snob image to repel others. I hardly smile. I don’t talk to strangers. And the only company I truly enjoy is with myself, my books or with my fellow introverts. While I enjoy being around my extrovert friends, there are just things they do that is beyond my capacity to tolerate.

The hardest thing to explain is that when your introversion is beyond 90%, you are always skeptical when it comes to communicating, most especially with strangers. You tend to shy away from everyone who tries to reach out. Not because you are mean but because socializing is too exhausting for you. Everyone will tell you to get over it, come out of your shell and that you can do it. Easier to say than done. They have to understand, there are different types of introvert. I am the monk type. As it may seem the most normal thing to do, others will never understand the horrible feeling of my kind mixed in a crowd. You feel lost. You panic. You can clearly hear the bustling around that torments you. The noise; from the sound of people chatting, their heavy breathing, babies crying, tires screeching, metals clanking, footsteps, all these and many more combined in a crowded place push you to the point of losing your mind.

I have always wanted to shake off my inferiority, my awkwardness around people. I want to be the person who’s easily understood but all attempts are to no avail. Instead, I made myself look like a rebel, a liberated bad ass with much pride and less empathy. My attempts to be approachable are hopeless and my response always come out negative. More than sheltering myself, my need to seclude is to avoid hurting other’s feeling. Again, I am an erupting volcano, I pose a threat to everyone that surround me.

I have so much to say, to relay, to explain but whenever I start talking, my mouth betrays me. I just can’t seem to find the right words at the right time. I always need to rehearse the things I would say but that doesn’t even help. I always have to go back to that moment and change the scenarios in my mind, figuring out where I went wrong, but then it will be worthless. I am confused with so many things that sometimes I end up being confused with myself.