Farewell

Death
Is indeed a thief in the night.
It stole you away from my sight.
How quickly can darkness cover the light!

Falling
Tears keep running down my cheek.
Swollen eyes and sleepless week.
Why can’t I seem to find what I seek?

Lost
In eternal thoughts of what ifs and could have been.
I’d stop crying then cry again.
It’s a vicious cycle of grief and pain. 

Memories
They make me want to weep.
For they’re all that I have left.
How could I want to forget what I also want to keep?

Rainbow
Is perhaps this universe’s way of cheering up.
A lonely soul that needs a tap.
I can cry forever but I, at once, must stop.

Live
While there’s still time to spend.
Is the message you would want to send.
To live relentlessly until the end.

So, for now my friend,
I’ll just look forward to a reunion in the end.

During difficult and emotional times, more often than not, I find it hard to express things verbally. I can’t seem to find the right things to say nor explain how I really feel. And just like right now, when I am consumed with so much sadness, my last resort is to write. So forgive me if I have to put these into words but no matter how I try to relieve my pain, it’s still so difficult to grasp the reality of it all.

So to my dear friend, to my dear Paul,

I still can’t believe you were gone too soon. My heart is still heavy with your passing and each day I fight the urge to cry. I know you don’t want to see us sad. But I remember you in almost everything I do. I remember you in every corner of our workplace. In my mind, I can still hear you call me “Tiffy”, specially with your tone when you were teasing me like you used to, as if you’re just somewhere though I can’t see you. I scan our previous conversations in different social media platforms and look at the pictures we shared, how could I know then that I won’t even be able to reach out to you before you’d leave?

I resent myself for so many things. I remember you explaining a misunderstanding between us where I haven’t talked to you when you were apologizing for a mistake you said you didn’t do. I did not forgive you then and a friend told me you were in the brink of tears but I refused to budge. Right now, that picture of you breaks my heart. I should have been more understanding. I can still see you approaching us while going to your car on the last day we saw you outside our workplace. I did not talk to you back then. Had I known that it was the last time I will ever see you alive, I should have hugged you tightly just like how much I want to hug you now. It’s been months since our last conversation when I was not able to even tell you “I missed you too”. I was not able to reach out even when a lot of things reminded me of you. I really feel guilty not being able to comfort you when you were in pain. I heard you’ve gone through so much these past few months that we were not communicating and I can’t imagine how it must have hurt you to see things falling apart. How I wish I was there beside you, to listen if not to console you with words that might have been hard to find then. I do not always have the best advice or the most comforting words but I would have loved to listen to you.

Right now, when there is nothing that I can do to change things, I just really want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. I am not the most expressive person, perhaps I was not able to make you feel that I was grateful for our friendship. But I am, always have and always will. You see, right now, when I think of you and remember all the good things you did for me, I smile. Our friendship is something that I will forever treasure. I remember you used to tell me you’ll start being nice once you turn 30. Though you never reached that age, you should know that you have already been a good person even then. The most generous, caring and loving to your friends and family.

I will miss you. I already miss you right now. It’s difficult for me perhaps because I was not able to see you after we resolve our conflict and there are so many things that are left unsaid in this lifetime. But right now, we have to move forward and go on with life. You remember you’ve been wanting to see me find a boyfriend, right? I might have one someday. I might even have a family you won’t be able to meet. But let me just move on with life for now. One day… Someday… As the end is inevitable, we will see each other again and I look forward to that reunion.

I love you, I love you! Rest now, my love.

 

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In Another Universe, I Won’t Regret Letting You Go

The multiverse theory was introduced to me through Gabi Dunn’s tearjerker blog post,  Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You. I was so moved I cried. I guess because it was timely. Or maybe because the idea of having different universes simultaneously existing with different versions of the lives that we might have yet never had here and now is just too good to be rejected. Afterall, while the idea is disputable, who wouldn’t want to be comforted with the thought that somewhere in a universe different from ours but happening right now, we end up together? That I took the chance to truly live and never have to spend everyday regretting not taking the risk. That we are spending our glorious days and a life lived well together. That I don’t have to confess to my pillows at nights through tears and sniffs of how badly I wanted a second chance. For the ones asking for a different ending, the multiverse is a perfect escape. Then you’ll just have to think how you’d want it to end.

While almost everyone speak about the happily-ever-after kind of ending for their lost love, I have decided that starting from now, I’d go for the other way around. Wasting the past eight years of my life in this universe is more than enough.

So, in another universe, I won’t regret letting you go.

In another universe, I will be contented. I will cry a little, spent a few months moving on but I will not hinder myself in finding happiness in some other ways. I won’t look for you in every single guy I meet. I won’t search for the same loving eyes or same cheerful smile through every crowd I’m with. I will spend every single day after letting you go finding my life’s purpose and making the best out of everyday. I will no longer be confused on what to do with my life. I will know what I want and I’ll work very hard to achieve it. I will make my short life worth living.

In that universe I will see you and will not feel awkward. I will not have to hide my face behind a folder and run up the stairs in our college’s library once I see you approaching. I won’t have to pretend asleep inside the jeepney once I see you riding the same one. I won’t have to unfollow your Facebook account because I won’t get nervous everytime I see your name in my timeline. I won’t have to stalk using Google because I won’t be afraid Facebook and Instagram will have an update to track who’s stalking who. I won’t be paranoid over discussions regarding high school reunion. I won’t be afraid. I won’t be bothered. There’ll be no insecurities because then and there I have moved on with my life. I have everything set and a bright future is ahead of me.

There, once I look back, I will know the reason why we did not end up together. I will understand why things did not workout the way I have always wanted to. And there, it will be okay. Once I see you, I’ll see all the good memories flashing back yet I will just smile at them, then move on. Maybe, in that universe, we can even be good friends. We can go back to what we used to be. You can ask for my advice and we can go over our usual discussions. We may even fight or argue once in a while but we’ll remain friends. I might also discover that you are not entirely how I imagined you in my daydreams and sleepless nights. I will see the flaws I have been ignoring for so long. I might become realistic, if only then and there.

In another universe, I will be thankful we met but I will be grateful that I let you go.

Nostalgia

 

Today, I remembered you. And unlike all the other days when I managed to shrug the thoughts and pushed the memories back where it belonged, now it’s just stubbornly lingering in my mind. It’s in the surface of my heart where I cannot simply ignore it and by each passing minute, it’s becoming more vivid I am like watching a movie about our past. At times like this, I always go crazy scolding myself for not being able to move forward. I get mad for staying stuck and trapped regardless of what I do to let go. I cannot talk to anyone. My mother likes you so much I just can’t tell her you are already enjoying the best days of your life and I am left feeling resentful. My friends are tired of my never ending story of regret and tale of broken hearts. I can no longer count the times I told them I am already letting you go, that I have moved on and I am happy for you finding someone else. I’ve been repeating it more to fool myself than to make others believe because they said sometimes if you’ll tell a lie over and over, you’ll find even yourself believing it. Sometimes I feel victorious thinking I have finally moved on but I always go back to this phase, where I start thinking about you and all there is to reminisce.

Whenever I think of you, I always remember your smile, it’s by far the sweetest I have ever seen. When you smile at me, I feel like the world stops and I have all your attention to myself. Your smile, despite everything, makes me feel important. Your laughter is music to my ears. It’s as good as listening to the birds chirp and the leaves rustle, and let me tell you that I really love nature’s sound. Your laugh is so genuine it fills my heart with mirth. Then those loving eyes, how could you look at me and make me feel you are staring directly into my soul. Your eyes wash away all my pretenses and just let me be myself. You have eyes that make me want to melt whenever you look at me. You look at me and I just want to lock myself in your embrace. It might just be me, but the familiarity of your eyes is striking. It’s like I have been looking at you for a very long time it makes me want to believe we have been together in our past lives. Like maybe we have been looking at each other for hundreds or millions of years now, in this universe and the others.
What if we have been seeing each other for many lifetimes now and we just never ended up together? What if we’ll have to reicarnate again and again until we’ll manage to pull things together and stand up for what we feel? Won’t you want to end up with me in this lifetime and in this very universe?

I want to believe we are really destined. I want to entertain the thought that after this long journey we’ll find each other at the end. They said if you really want something, the universe will conspire to help you have it. I WANT YOU. I WANT YOU SO BAD. You may not feel the same way but I really want to see you now. I want to look at those eyes again and see for myself if the years have changed my worth. I want to watch you smile and see if I still brighten up your day.

You are my home. Nothing feels more familiar than being with you. If you would ask me, I would trade anything just to spend every waking time by your side, slowly growing old with you and the many kids we’ll have. I’d like to picture us holding each others wrinkled hands forty years from now. Softly bumping our white haired heads whenever we lean at each other. I want to see those two pairs of fuzzy slippers side by side at the front door when we come home visiting the children who are already living independently that time.

I want us. I want to still stubbornly want us despite everyone opposing it. This is crazy that I can’t get over us when in the first place there was hardly an us. Ours is a cliché love story. I am a cliché character. You are a cliché love interest. Everything is a cliché. Yet in this lifetime, in my lifetime, I think I will only love one person this much. And I haven’t wanted anything so badly. I wonder now, why is it so hard for me to be given a second chance at love?

On Finding Someone New (A late post from May, 2015)

I once thought and often write how I believe I could not get over my first love. I thought that first love never dies indeed as most people say. I cried whenever I hear broken hearted songs believing that they were entirely written and dedicated for me. I was lost on the what ifs of our should-have-been love story that I could not answer. I entertained no one as if it is a crime to even think of them. I was helpless by my own doing. Broken and bitter. Then maybe I got tired of making myself miserable so I started this crazy 21 days challenge to forget him.

It was hard. No, it was very very hard. The fact that I was not suppose to entertain thoughts of him was almost impossible. I spent the last seven years of my life thinking of him and he even visited my mind even without me intending to. I spoke his name out of nowhere in my random thoughts when I was awake and I could not get rid of him in my dreams when I was asleep. So the past weeks were tormenting, a pain beyond compare and yet, I barely noticed it coming to an end.

Well, as fate would have it, it played a joke on us again. What better way of ending it than seeing him with his girlfriend in my not so prepared day. If it was before I might have been cursing fate for messing up. I would have been replaying the scenario in my mind changing details to how I would like it to be. But no, I was shocked I was not doing it anymore. In fact, I just laughed at it. Maybe it was the result of my challenge. Or maybe it was because of you.

I read once that your first love dies when the second is born. You might not yet be my second but who knows. Though I smile at the idea that I’m writing something that is no longer solely meant for my past. I never thought this would come. It’s like something I never knew could happen. I am not sure what I really feel. I am not even sure if this would be requited. Yet I wonder at my brave leap to this one chance that very very seldom comes. You interest me in a way that is nothing but inspiring. You bring back the kind of smile I thought I will no longer have the chance to see. You make me look forward to something I will be giggling over the next few days. And that’s even when we are not yet introduced.

Right now, while writing this, I can still picture you in my mind; smiling. Your smile is like a scent that lingers in my nostrils. A taste from a real great food from last night’s dinner I could not get over with. Like the last song I heard that I could not stop singing. Your smile is contagious. So when you smile, I smile too. I smile when our eyes meet. And from then to the next hours I will wear that same smile. I will even smile myself to sleep. It has been two days since I saw you but still, I’m smiling.

This is not unlike the things that could happen to others but I marvel at myself having someone new in mind. There’s a chance you are taken. A good chance you like someone else. A possibility you like someone with the same gender. But I am asking fate that hopefully there’s a chance bigger than those mentioned that you will come to notice me among the many others around you.

I’m like, fate come on, pretty please?!

I do hope you will share the kind of smile I have for you. Or that you are already smiling right now thinking of me too. There are so many things that will still unfold. Yet we are under the same sky. We breathe the same air. So long as we walk the same earth, I think I have the same good chance as others have.

First love may never entirely die, just gotten over. There will still be those memories. As for me, when I remember the past or read the blogs I posted and the things I wrote, I have nothing but gratitude. I thank him for the good times but that’s all there is. Well, I might have learned the art of letting go. Or realized that moving on actually exists. But surely I noticed that I write about him and us in past tense and that really makes sense. As for you, you are most welcome in my pretty dull life with mostly routines. In fact I think we may very well compliment each other and you might just be the type I exactly need to bring some more fun in my life.

(photo credits to: m.lesliemiletich.com)