To The Girl With The Broken Universe

You are so much more than what you already know. You can do so much more than what you can even imagine.

I look at you and I am always at awe with how blessed you are with the qualities I would wish to be mine, maybe in the next lifetime. I can see no limit to what you can possibly make out of the talents you have. You are blessed and I want you to know that. I want you to remember that EVERY. SINGLE DAY.

You’re the cool type. You’ve always been tough. The kind who won’t tolerate nonsense. Yet you also have the softest heart.

You love deeply and give every relationship your best shot. Never having to regret whenever it fails. Though despite all the efforts, I have seen your heart broken, several times. I have felt your heartaches and your drunken call one night with you sobbing on the other end of the line still breaks my heart until now. You’ve changed along the way.

I’ve missed the girl you once were. Though I am happy seeing the woman you’ve become. Your pain became your strength.

You may feel like having a broken universe, the one where you were supposed to have a happy ending with him but following the multiverse theory, there are still other universes existing right now. There’s this one universe, whole though old, that you can always turn to. That’s where we are, your friends, always waiting for you. Remember? We are your happy colors. We’ll paint that universe with all the shades you can ever imagine and we’ll fill it with cotton candies and Doraemon.

Someday, I know someone will come into your life and while I cannot promise a fairytale kind of love story, I know this will be something that’s worth the wait. I know because someone like you deserves so much happiness and one day it will come knocking on your door, in the most unexpected time with the most unexpected person. That will be your pot of gold, as what they say you’ll find at the end of a rainbow.

By the way, just so you know, you are really hard-headed MOST of the time. You might want to contemplate about that?

Still, you are my bestfriend and no matter how bitchy you may get at times, I will always have your back.

Reverie

I think I’d like to spend a slow kind of life with “you”.

I don’t want us to hurry things up and get exhausted in a roller-coaster kind of fast-paced love affair. It’s not the kind where we bump into each other in a crowded party place and then decide to level things up as soon as we stare into each other’s eyes. Not even being swept off my feet seeing you enter a restaurant then the next time I know I’m heading off to church for our wedding. I don’t think I’d like to get caught up in overwhelming emotions and decide right away that you are Mr. Right. We are not the speedy kind like the rap songs that make me nauseous. Instead we are the mellow ones, the soft, slow kind of music I listen to at night.

I figured I would rather a meeting straight out of a painting. Something set in a vintage coffee shop where I’d be sitting by the window with this lacy curtains hanging by its side. Where the sun’s light is the color a little after its afternoon peak and I read a book while sipping my coffee then you’d see me from the outside. I kind of like it to be like that or something similar to that. The way old people must have met once before life was all about technology, power and money. I want us to take each little step a little slowly. No rush. Just a relaxing ride of getting to know each other with comfortable space enough to breathe and make sure I’m still stuck in reality. I want us to live in the moment.

We’ll have dates. Real ones. Where we go out to watch a movie, not in your house, but in a MOVIEhouse. Where we go to church early on a Sunday morning then drink hot chocolate with “puto maya” afterwards. We’ll dance those slow old songs played in a piano in a garden outside a restaurant spent along with old couples who will charm us with their love stories and life learned lessons. We’ll experience serving in an orphanage and home for the aged at least once. We’ll go out fishing along with our family or go on a picnic with dear friends. We’ll face our fears together, go on cliff diving and bungee jumping and scream our frustrations out. We’ll write letters from time to time complete with address and stamp on it, the way they used to be before conversation was done through abbreviated and short-spelled chat and text messages. We’ll stop once in a while and savor each moment, appreciating the wonders of life. We’ll give more value on priceless things and be happy with the ones that money can never buy. I want it to feel real.

If we end up together and these things lead to marriage, I’d be happy to spent it simply with people who matter. I just want a union which would make us understand what marriage really is and remember the things that lead us to that day. Something that we can go back to whenever we’ll have misunderstandings for us to know why we chose each other in the first place. Then from then, I want an “Up” kind of life with a scrapbook to document the memories we are yet to make.

We’d settle in a country kind of place in a simple home that the two of us will help build. I want to be able to paint walls and move furniture with you. To be excited on the progress we’ll have by each passing day. We’ll have a big tree at the backyard with a swing we can have fun with. We’ll have chairs and tables below with lanterns hanging above where we can spend barbecue parties with friends. A little farther is our vegetable garden with some livestock for us to tend. We’ll grow flowers, lots and lots of them that will adorn our front lawn. Then we’ll have pine tress growing around. We’ll have a small neighborhood filled with friendly people we’d be sharing our food with, whom we can chat with after church service or when we are shopping at the market. We’ll prepare things for the kids we’ll soon have.

Our kids will be listening to musics and stories even before they’re born. We’ll decorate their vintage-colored rooms with books, maps and the ceiling will be filled with glow-in the-dark stickers of the night sky. Definitely with a taste of my geeky personality, say we put a fireplace in case we have some wizard visitors using the floo network? Or we can put Peter Pan inside their lampshade so his shadows will be reflected once it’s turned on. We can definitely have a circular door and The Little Prince will be surely part of the decoration. But I won’t decide what House they’ll be a part of, they will be sorted when they turn eleven. Once our angels are out, we’ll document their firsts; first smile, step, word, their growth and development. I want to be able to hug their small and vulnerable bodies, sharing my warmth with them. I want to sing them lullabies to sleep and be their armor protecting them from harm. I hope time won’t fly so fast and steal these cute bundles of joy away from us immediately. I hope to spend more time with them as kids.

We’ll play with them in the rain and wait for the rainbow afterwards. We’ll catch dragonflies and play “siatong”, “patintero”, “tumbang preso” and other Filipino traditional games. Our early morning will smell like pancakes and “pandesal” while our nights will be spent reading bedtime stories. We’ll learn and sing nursery rhymes together and we’ll visit parks where they can play their hearts out. We’ll allow them to fall many times, we won’t shelter them from pain, we’ll make them learn to stand up on their own but we will be there helping them throughout. You’ll work by the day and I’ll stay with kids. I’d learn how to cook and I’ll knit, guess I can try painting too and share the experience with the kids. The place maybe a little messy and it will be very noisy but that’s okay. I’ll let them help in the chores especially when they want to. The chores may take longer to be done, there maybe some broken or torn objects, the dish maybe a little overcook but we’ll let it pass. It’s the learning that will be forever instilled in their minds that’s important.

When they’re a little grown up, we’ll bring them to libraries and museums. We’ll hit the theater as well. We’ll be Mother Earth’s Army, joining tree planting activities and fun run for a cause. We’ll support their interests, cultivating their inborn talents. We’ll be their cheerleader. We’ll be present on every events as much as we can and we’ll celebrate with them their success. We’ll make sure to travel at least once a year where we will learn, understand and experience different cultures. We’ll teach them how to live life to the fullest and we’ll live with them.We’ll experience life the way it should be and won’t simply exist. It maybe a simple life but it will be a life lived well and truly.

If I think  about this, I actually find myself considering the idea of settling down. It might not even be so bad at all. I might not end up messing with a life involving others. I may be able to overcome my fear of responsibility. There  maybe a slight chance I’d deserve and experience this kind of life. It is not for us to tell for who knows, just who knows what the future holds?

In Another Universe, I Won’t Regret Letting You Go

The multiverse theory was introduced to me through Gabi Dunn’s tearjerker blog post,  Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You. I was so moved I cried. I guess because it was timely. Or maybe because the idea of having different universes simultaneously existing with different versions of the lives that we might have yet never had here and now is just too good to be rejected. Afterall, while the idea is disputable, who wouldn’t want to be comforted with the thought that somewhere in a universe different from ours but happening right now, we end up together? That I took the chance to truly live and never have to spend everyday regretting not taking the risk. That we are spending our glorious days and a life lived well together. That I don’t have to confess to my pillows at nights through tears and sniffs of how badly I wanted a second chance. For the ones asking for a different ending, the multiverse is a perfect escape. Then you’ll just have to think how you’d want it to end.

While almost everyone speak about the happily-ever-after kind of ending for their lost love, I have decided that starting from now, I’d go for the other way around. Wasting the past eight years of my life in this universe is more than enough.

So, in another universe, I won’t regret letting you go.

In another universe, I will be contented. I will cry a little, spent a few months moving on but I will not hinder myself in finding happiness in some other ways. I won’t look for you in every single guy I meet. I won’t search for the same loving eyes or same cheerful smile through every crowd I’m with. I will spend every single day after letting you go finding my life’s purpose and making the best out of everyday. I will no longer be confused on what to do with my life. I will know what I want and I’ll work very hard to achieve it. I will make my short life worth living.

In that universe I will see you and will not feel awkward. I will not have to hide my face behind a folder and run up the stairs in our college’s library once I see you approaching. I won’t have to pretend asleep inside the jeepney once I see you riding the same one. I won’t have to unfollow your Facebook account because I won’t get nervous everytime I see your name in my timeline. I won’t have to stalk using Google because I won’t be afraid Facebook and Instagram will have an update to track who’s stalking who. I won’t be paranoid over discussions regarding high school reunion. I won’t be afraid. I won’t be bothered. There’ll be no insecurities because then and there I have moved on with my life. I have everything set and a bright future is ahead of me.

There, once I look back, I will know the reason why we did not end up together. I will understand why things did not workout the way I have always wanted to. And there, it will be okay. Once I see you, I’ll see all the good memories flashing back yet I will just smile at them, then move on. Maybe, in that universe, we can even be good friends. We can go back to what we used to be. You can ask for my advice and we can go over our usual discussions. We may even fight or argue once in a while but we’ll remain friends. I might also discover that you are not entirely how I imagined you in my daydreams and sleepless nights. I will see the flaws I have been ignoring for so long. I might become realistic, if only then and there.

In another universe, I will be thankful we met but I will be grateful that I let you go.

I’m Single and Yes, I’m Curious

 

How amazing it is to truly fall in love. The kind of love that you would so unselfishly offer everything to the other person. The love that will give you the strength to conquer even the world if you have to. The love that knows neither pain nor conditions. An unconditional kind of love. If loving is already enough to make someone happy, I could only imagine what it would feel like if your special someone loves you back. Maybe it will feel like coming home from a very long journey. That comforting feeling when you’re lying in bed after a long day’s work. That satisfying feeling of being whole after the long search or wait for that better half is over.

 

“I am alone but I am happy”, I used to say which is quite true for I am comfortable being single, all my life. But there are also times when I’d think about myself being in a relationship. Would it work? Am I ready? I used to think. I have witnessed my friends being in relationships that I think I exactly know what to do when my time comes. And yet whenever I think about the challenges they face, I would sometimes wonder if it’s worth all the risk. When you are single, you’re free, you have all your time to yourself, you don’t have to get along with bipolar boyfriends who would always complain but don’t do anything. The usual birthday present will now have additional monthsary and anniversary gifts and then now the trends even narrowed down to weeksary! And the hardest thing is to always consider that someone in almost every decisions you’ll make, sometimes even for the most simple things. And that’s why I am afraid to take that first step to dating and courtship. Then came the couple shirts, the pre-nuptial videos online, the hashtag-relationship-goals-captions of pictures throughout the internet. Now, whenever I open my Facebook account, I see wedding photos of college friends (I even saw the wedding pictures of my student during internship); pregnant pictures of high school schoolmates or family pictures (complete with kids) of Elementary batchmates. It might be normal for me to look back at my twenty-two years of existence and realizing that all this time, while these people are happily settling down, I am single and no boyfriend since birth. I would look at their happy pictures and I’d tell myself it’s actually the memories they have together with their partners that I have been missing all this time. That even though I am already fine by myself, there must be a different level of completeness to be with someone you love who loves you as much or maybe more.

 

There are times I’d wonder what it feels like to have someone by your side to comfort you when you’re in pain and cheer you up when you’re feeling low. Or to have someone who would still wait for you even when you are constantly late. To know that someone will understand your different moods or listen to your endless complains. To have someone fulfill your different requests or at least try to grant even those nonsense wishes because he knows those trivial things will actually make you smile. I often wonder what it would be like to have someone who will fight for you. Someone who will celebrate your success, love your flaws, kiss your tears, hug the differences that you have with him as part of who you are. How to have someone who will respect the limits you set, who will reprimand if needed and helps you conquer the greatest fears or deepest sorrows you have. I wonder what it would be like to have someone who will be contented, who will need you as much as he needs air to breathe and knows exactly your worth. Someone who will show how much he loves you when you’re around and loves you even more when you’re not. Someone who can keep your secrets and help mend the heartaches from long time ago. For someone to fear your God and make your faith even stronger. I want to know how it feels like to realize that there is someone who will stay with you, even when you are at odds with the rest of the world.

 

How ideal it is for all these “someones” to be combined. And to be with this someone who would love every inch of you down to the very core of your soul is like a dream coming true. Waiting for him to come might take some time. It might take some pain or heartaches from others who will come first but as someone told me once, everything will surely fall in its perfect place. I believe the heart will know when that someone who is meant exactly and only for you has finally come. Until then, I, with a heart full of hope, will wait patiently and faithfully for I know there is someone out there looking too.They say true love is hard to find and that keeping one is way harder. But maybe there is truth in those stories we read or watch. The ones which made us cry or believe that someone could love as much as the characters did. The stories that kept us up all night wishing it will happen to us too. The fact remains that the greatest love stories ever told have also weathered the strongest storms. I don’t lose hope that it’s still possible to find someone who would fall genuinely in love with you nowadays. It will be a matter of who you will be choosing and that’s why you have to wait. Someday, if not anytime soon, I am going to give it a shot, of course. My teacher told me once that it’s better to fall in love and get hurt than to never love at all.

Nostalgia

 

Today, I remembered you. And unlike all the other days when I managed to shrug the thoughts and pushed the memories back where it belonged, now it’s just stubbornly lingering in my mind. It’s in the surface of my heart where I cannot simply ignore it and by each passing minute, it’s becoming more vivid I am like watching a movie about our past. At times like this, I always go crazy scolding myself for not being able to move forward. I get mad for staying stuck and trapped regardless of what I do to let go. I cannot talk to anyone. My mother likes you so much I just can’t tell her you are already enjoying the best days of your life and I am left feeling resentful. My friends are tired of my never ending story of regret and tale of broken hearts. I can no longer count the times I told them I am already letting you go, that I have moved on and I am happy for you finding someone else. I’ve been repeating it more to fool myself than to make others believe because they said sometimes if you’ll tell a lie over and over, you’ll find even yourself believing it. Sometimes I feel victorious thinking I have finally moved on but I always go back to this phase, where I start thinking about you and all there is to reminisce.

Whenever I think of you, I always remember your smile, it’s by far the sweetest I have ever seen. When you smile at me, I feel like the world stops and I have all your attention to myself. Your smile, despite everything, makes me feel important. Your laughter is music to my ears. It’s as good as listening to the birds chirp and the leaves rustle, and let me tell you that I really love nature’s sound. Your laugh is so genuine it fills my heart with mirth. Then those loving eyes, how could you look at me and make me feel you are staring directly into my soul. Your eyes wash away all my pretenses and just let me be myself. You have eyes that make me want to melt whenever you look at me. You look at me and I just want to lock myself in your embrace. It might just be me, but the familiarity of your eyes is striking. It’s like I have been looking at you for a very long time it makes me want to believe we have been together in our past lives. Like maybe we have been looking at each other for hundreds or millions of years now, in this universe and the others.
What if we have been seeing each other for many lifetimes now and we just never ended up together? What if we’ll have to reicarnate again and again until we’ll manage to pull things together and stand up for what we feel? Won’t you want to end up with me in this lifetime and in this very universe?

I want to believe we are really destined. I want to entertain the thought that after this long journey we’ll find each other at the end. They said if you really want something, the universe will conspire to help you have it. I WANT YOU. I WANT YOU SO BAD. You may not feel the same way but I really want to see you now. I want to look at those eyes again and see for myself if the years have changed my worth. I want to watch you smile and see if I still brighten up your day.

You are my home. Nothing feels more familiar than being with you. If you would ask me, I would trade anything just to spend every waking time by your side, slowly growing old with you and the many kids we’ll have. I’d like to picture us holding each others wrinkled hands forty years from now. Softly bumping our white haired heads whenever we lean at each other. I want to see those two pairs of fuzzy slippers side by side at the front door when we come home visiting the children who are already living independently that time.

I want us. I want to still stubbornly want us despite everyone opposing it. This is crazy that I can’t get over us when in the first place there was hardly an us. Ours is a cliché love story. I am a cliché character. You are a cliché love interest. Everything is a cliché. Yet in this lifetime, in my lifetime, I think I will only love one person this much. And I haven’t wanted anything so badly. I wonder now, why is it so hard for me to be given a second chance at love?

On Loving Someone Who Loves Someone Else

On Loving Someone Who Loves Someone Else

“Everyone has their own Robin- the person that you loved very much, but you cannot be with. And whoever you’ll meet, whatever you’ll do, nothing will be like it would be with Robin.” (a quote related to How I Met Your Mother)

At least once in our lifetime we meet our own Robin. As for me, I have met one lately and I guess time and circumstances show that he is really a Robin for me. So before I moved on from this unrequited feeling, I want to dedicate this post to him.

To my own Robin.

Nothing prepares you for whoever you meet, whoever you like or under what situation you will be in. For all we know, without us noticing we are already falling for someone whom we don’t even entirely know. That’s what happened to me. When I met him, I know I already liked him. I like the way he looks, the way he talks or even the way he acts. Though some take it against him, I like how soft his gestures are. I have always liked guys who are a little feminine. Yet despite liking him on the spot, I decided to keep it to myself because the attachment wasn’t that strong. I contented myself looking at him whenever he pass by or listen to him taking calls when he’s seating nearby. It has been like this for some time and it has been fine. Then he approached me once.

It was just a simple conversation. He just asked if someone is sitting on the chair beside me. It was just very quick. He might not even remember it. But I was lost in that few minutes. And up until now, I can still picture him in my mind, leaning a little closer, speaking so gently. That must have been the time when I realized I really like him. Enough to want to know him better or to be near him. My friends told me it’s not suppose to be. That he’s too feminine to actually like a girl. That I am only wasting my time. Thinking about it, there might be some truth in it. Yet that time, I didn’t care whatever preference he has. He doesn’t have to be converted because I am, with arms wide open, ready to accept him for whoever he is. For whatever past he may have. I thought fate will be good this time. My teammate, who happens to be his aunt, became our bridge to know each other.

I can’t explain my feeling when I saw his name in my Skype, requesting to add me as contact. My heart was beating so fast and loud, it’s like wanting to come out of my chest. I was so occupied I hardly noticed that shift coming to an end. We were chatting almost the whole time. This was the very first time I initiated a conversation with someone. It’s like I was clearly showing my interest in him. And that was not so me. When I feel that he was not interested at all, I shouldn’t have insisted myself. But there I was, creating different topics to lengthen our conversation. I was afraid it would end. So for quite sometime we interacted and though I had an idea that he was just being dragged through this whole affair, I was still giving it a few more push because I was hoping it will work. But it didn’t. Instead of getting closer to him, I have learned things that disheartened me instead. Things are definitely going the wrong way. So this is why I am writing this post. This serves as a realization on how impossible it is to be with him. How he is really a Robin in my life. Nevertheless I am happy we have met and communicated for some time.

I may not be able to tell him personally but I am grateful for the short time I have shared with him. I can’t deny that for several times he made me happy. I found myself smiling again. I haven’t felt sleepy when I was always like that before when we were not yet communicating. I was excited to be in the office knowing I’ll see him again. I felt alive once more as I had another reason to work. I was filled with the possibilities that fate may offer us, should there had been an us. I have truly enjoyed spending time thinking of him, giggling over thoughts of him, looking at him, chatting with him and everything that is connected to him. For all of this, I can never wish that I shouldn’t have known him or communicated with him. I just want him to know though that I am praying the best for him. That whatever happens, he’s going to stay as a sweet short memory. He’ll always be cherished and I hope that we’ll become close friends one day.

As for now, I am contented knowing that he’s happy with his situation. I hope he will be with the person who deserves the love he invests. Someone who’s gonna take care of him when he’s not feeling well, or comfort him when he’s feeling down. The person who will stand by him and fight for him when he’s at odds with the rest of the world. Someone who’s willing to spend his whole life loving him more than the way I want to or I can. He is not difficult to love so I know he will surely have this kind of person beside him. I guess what I’ve learned from him is that love knows no limit. That love really works in mysterious ways. I’ve learned that love will cross the boundaries that social norms prepared. That to love is to face the possibilities of the impossible things that lay ahead of us. That loving means to never ever stop believing and hoping that love in itself will find a way.

(photo credits to: beta.bestie.vn)

On Letting Go

On Letting Go

Letting go has always been the hardest for me. When I lost my supposed-to-be love story, I thought I would be fine. I was busy with school so I was caught up with a lot of things that distracted me. Yet I have to admit that even then I was already miserable. Whenever he crossed my mind, there is that pain that seems to be squeezing a part of my heart. When I saw him holding hands with his female friend, I was jealous to the point that I would cry in silence because I don’t know what the real deal was. Yet I remained hopeful that one day he will come back to me. I was lost in the idea that what was a once upon a time would actually turn to a happily ever after. I thought our pocketbook love story will make it through. But I was mistaken. It seems like happy ending is not as easily achieved as in the fairy tales we have grown up reading. Or maybe I forgot that the magic of true love only comes to those who will fight for it. When I let him go seven years ago, I didn’t imagine seeing him in the arms of somebody else because had I only seen it coming, I wouldn’t have even dared. When he went away, I just watched him go without doing anything to make him stay. I watched him take every little step away from me. Those little steps that further shattered my already broken heart. Yet I remained silent though deep inside watching him go felt like watching my forever fell apart.  When I graduated, when I was no longer the busy girl, that was when everything dawned on me. I realized what I exactly lost. I lost a gem and I can never have it back. I shed tons of tears, I even cried myself to sleep but no matter what I do, no matter how I regret, I have to admit that there is no way of winning him back. I became miserable. I was bitter. I cried even in front of others in public places like I no longer care what others would think of me. I seldom fall but when I do, I hardly get over it. I really thought I will no longer be fine. Sometimes though, when the pain is too much, you became numb. And just when you have already given up hope, a light appears that will take you out of the darkness. Something that is not from the outside but from the inside. Then you’ll realize that no one can actually help you but yourself. And that’s when I bid pain goodbye and greeted letting go.

I had it the hard way. It’s so hard to redeem yourself when you are not ready to be redeemed. But when I started to let him go wholeheartedly, that’s when the pain subsided. There are so many things that still remind me of him. Fate still play jokes on me. There’s when his birthday repeatedly appears on my members’ accounts or signifies time. When I accidentally “favorited” someone’s tweet, someone whom I never knew who has a name like his. There’s when I saw lovers who has almost the same love story like ours had we pursue our dream university. Then there’s still so much more to add to the list. Yet I stand firm with my decision to let go and give myself some peace. I know that I very much deserve to be happy. And when others can’t love me back, I’ve decided to find that comfort within. So that’s what I am  doing right now. I try to embrace what I have, that includes the assets and the flaws. I am trying to love myself more each day, and with that I mean every fiber of my being. I might still be a long way to go to finding true love but for now I’ll enjoy being single first. I want to be the person who’s alone (romantically) but definitely not lonely.

(photo credits to: quotesonimages.com)