I have always wanted to be liked by others. I tried to be pleasant. I tried to do things correctly. I tried to work beyond what is average or acceptable. I have set high standards for myself. I have pride myself for my reservations and put a great value to what I thought I have within me. But lately, things made me realize I am not at all pleasing. I am nothing but an erupting volcano. A little force or slight pressure will make me explode and damage everything around me. As much as I wanted to be the ideal grace under pressure, I just can’t. I cannot control my emotions and in the midst of confusion, I become devious rather than calm.
I am an introvert, and more than that I am a geek, a nerd. My friend posted once that in a society that requires extroversion, being an introvert is really hard. More than requiring, I am in a field that promotes it. Everyday is a struggle. I have to endure each day I spent in the outside world, trying my best to communicate with others. I always look forward to end the day and snuggle back to the comfort and warmth of my blankets at home. It’s easy to know that while there are also introverts like me, we are way lesser than our bubbly, socially active and engaging counterparts.
My mind is overflowing with ideas wishing to be exposed to the world. The problem, and what others do not understand, is that I have a difficulty of expressing verbally. When there’s so many things going on in my head, it’s a problem translating that into words, especially impromptu. Facts are okay. I read, I research and once in an argument, I may clearly defend my case by being familiar with the topic. Yet when it comes to emotions, whenever I need to express what I feel, words–my constant companion, always fail me.
Whenever in a situation where my security is threatened, my automatic response is to put a wall between me and everyone else. I find myself putting up an independent, strong and snob image to repel others. I hardly smile. I don’t talk to strangers. And the only company I truly enjoy is with myself, my books or with my fellow introverts. While I enjoy being around my extrovert friends, there are just things they do that is beyond my capacity to tolerate.
The hardest thing to explain is that when your introversion is beyond 90%, you are always skeptical when it comes to communicating, most especially with strangers. You tend to shy away from everyone who tries to reach out. Not because you are mean but because socializing is too exhausting for you. Everyone will tell you to get over it, come out of your shell and that you can do it. Easier to say than done. They have to understand, there are different types of introvert. I am the monk type. As it may seem the most normal thing to do, others will never understand the horrible feeling of my kind mixed in a crowd. You feel lost. You panic. You can clearly hear the bustling around that torments you. The noise; from the sound of people chatting, their heavy breathing, babies crying, tires screeching, metals clanking, footsteps, all these and many more combined in a crowded place push you to the point of losing your mind.
I have always wanted to shake off my inferiority, my awkwardness around people. I want to be the person who’s easily understood but all attempts are to no avail. Instead, I made myself look like a rebel, a liberated bad ass with much pride and less empathy. My attempts to be approachable are hopeless and my response always come out negative. More than sheltering myself, my need to seclude is to avoid hurting other’s feeling. Again, I am an erupting volcano, I pose a threat to everyone that surround me.
I have so much to say, to relay, to explain but whenever I start talking, my mouth betrays me. I just can’t seem to find the right words at the right time. I always need to rehearse the things I would say but that doesn’t even help. I always have to go back to that moment and change the scenarios in my mind, figuring out where I went wrong, but then it will be worthless. I am confused with so many things that sometimes I end up being confused with myself.