Flourish

Flourish

You were once the snow
In winter, when it’s cold to the touch,
You lack the sympathy
You never cared.

It was never your fault,
You were brought up that way
You were taught never to trust
You were trained to be ruthless.

Then out of the blue she came,
Her laughter is the sun
That melted the snow within
She became your very own Spring.

She brought you out of your cold confinement;
Her smile washed away your doubts,
Through her eyes, you found life
With her you learned how to truly live.

*Hatori and Kana’s story in Fruits Basket made me cry and it’s what I remembered when I saw today’s one-word prompt 🙂 ❤

 

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Shadow

Shadow

Years have passed yet here I am
Stuck in the memories of yesterday
Your face is clear, your laughter echoes in my ear
Our past is a shadow haunting me.

A day has not passed without me thinking
How it could have been? What might have happened?
If I was strong enough and fought for you
I wouldn’t have this shadow lingering in my heart.

If, If and a hundred more Ifs
Endless questions that will never be answered
It’s the unfortunate fate of a cowardly heart
And the shadow is the payback I am sentenced to bear.

TURNING 23 AND STILL NBSB

 

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I am writing to you now as the 22-year old, no boyfriend since birth version of myself. Not to tell you how much I am expecting for you to sacrifice neither to present a list of demands I’ll later on check if you are providing. This is neither a threat nor an ultimatum. This is especially NOT a guideline on how I would like our relationship to be. This is simply for me to reach out to you as early as now. This is my way of giving you a glimpse of where and what I am right now. For you to access my feelings and thoughts without the boundaries I might be able to set once we are emotinally connected and invested in our relationship. This is my way of telling you that you are anticipated and prayed for. A way for you to know me and for me to share to you when we haven’t met each other yet.

Next month, I’ll turn 23. While the trend right now is having a boyfriend as early as teenage years, I am quite out of trend. I am always out of trend. Neither techy nor party animal. I am the old school type. I prefer physical books over ebooks. I prefer handwritten letters over emails. I prefer physical games over the addictive online games my brothers are so much into. I am the one you might meet at a coffeeshop, library or bookstore, not on a partyhouse nor a bar.

As I have been repeating it, it’s very important for you to know that I can’t help falling inlove with books, over and over again. Reading is my passion and something I really would like to share with you and (maybe) our future kids. If you haven’t experience it yet, I want you to travel with me and get lost inside the pages of wonderful books filled with adventures and lessons. This, of course, will not be imposed. It’s something I would love you to try and see for yourself how you’d feel about it. The reason I’m telling you that is for you to also know what keeps me busy these days.

Going back, yes! I’m a NBSB. At first I’d wonder how my workmates find this unbelievable and I feel awkward being ask about it. Right now though I got used to the reactions of people knowing for the first time that there are still NBSBs like me (and my friends) at this age. I guess, people nowadays are so used to hearing about teenage pregnancies and elementary lovers that while being a NBSB at 22 should not be a big deal before, it is in fact right now. When I was still studying, I haven’t really paid attention to it. I was busy with school and I am surrounded with crazy NBSB friends like me. This was never an issue. However, right now when I am surrounded with married and in-a-relationship workmates, I seem to feel different.

I have to admit that while I never let others’ opinion affect my decision making, their constant remarks about my relationship status had me wondering. I’d wonder if there’s really something wrong with me. When almost everyone have admirers, if not boyfriends, why is it exactly that no one’s approaching me? No experience with strangers asking my phone number or someone showing the slightest interest. I’m not in hurry as you can see, but somehow their comments made me conscious on the things I don’t usually notice. I wonder if I’m not pretty enough that’s why guys are never interested. I wonder if it has something to do with me not knowing how to cook or wash clothes or things like that. I wonder if it’s my attitude that makes me unwanted. I wonder if I am not worth loving that’s why I remain single. Is it because I show I can be fiercely independent that scares them away? Surrounded by lovers in PDA, seeing confessions and proposals on television and social media websites, reading blog posts of relationship goals attained, I can’t help getting curious. Is love still coming my way? Are “you” still coming?

A lot of people said I’m maybe too choosy or I’m maybe setting a high standard. People said to go out and meet strangers. If you come to think of it, that’s pretty easy right? Normally yes. But not for me. I am very awkward around strangers. My awkwardness is often mistaken as being snob. I’m really uncomfortable trying to get to know people purposely. I want everything to develop naturally. I don’t want to jump into the dating game. I want myself to really like it, to anticipate meeting that particular person and that is “you”. I don’t want to do it randomly because I feel like the sparks of love is slipping away with every disappointment from one failed attempt to another. I might sound too fairytale-ish. I might seem to trust so much to fate but this is what I believe.

I am firm in my belief that I’ll know when “you” will finally come. And I’m willing to wait. I have not waited that long just to get carried away by other people’s opinion. I know my worth and I am not going to settle for less just to be with someone I can call my own. I believe God wants to spare me from so much pain. I know He’s delaying things for me to mature first and be prepared to start a relationship. I know I must strengthen my relationship with Him first before starting a different one because in a relationship we must be spiritually prepared too. It will not just be about you and me but on top of everything else, at the center of our relationship will be God. God’s plans afterall are way, way better than ours. I have come to realize that while cuddling and kissing sounds nice, this won’t be worth experiencing if I will be in a forced relationship. This will be more special when shared with “you”.

So, don’t worry. I have made up my mind to just let their opinion pass from one ear to another. I’ll try not to pressure myself, I’ll pray if I will be. I won’t be too pushy. I won’t be in hurry. “You” are worth waiting for because you are heaven sent. “You” are God’s way of telling me that reward awaits the obedient heart. “You” are somewhere else right now doing the things that God exactly wanted you to do. What is more glorifying than knowing the person meant for me is a faithful one too? What is more comforting than knowing that the reason you’re not yet here is because you are fulfilling God’s command and plans for you? Something that will surely be beneficial to us. I am at peace knowing that we are under the same sky, look at the same stars, walk the same Earth and breathe the same air. If we’d put it this way, we are never too far from each other. One day our paths will cross just like how God has planned it to be (there are always crossroads, right?) for everything will fall perfectly in its place at the right time. God’s time is always the best time. I know my love I’ll see you soon.

Love,

C

I’m Single and Yes, I’m Curious

 

How amazing it is to truly fall in love. The kind of love that you would so unselfishly offer everything to the other person. The love that will give you the strength to conquer even the world if you have to. The love that knows neither pain nor conditions. An unconditional kind of love. If loving is already enough to make someone happy, I could only imagine what it would feel like if your special someone loves you back. Maybe it will feel like coming home from a very long journey. That comforting feeling when you’re lying in bed after a long day’s work. That satisfying feeling of being whole after the long search or wait for that better half is over.

 

“I am alone but I am happy”, I used to say which is quite true for I am comfortable being single, all my life. But there are also times when I’d think about myself being in a relationship. Would it work? Am I ready? I used to think. I have witnessed my friends being in relationships that I think I exactly know what to do when my time comes. And yet whenever I think about the challenges they face, I would sometimes wonder if it’s worth all the risk. When you are single, you’re free, you have all your time to yourself, you don’t have to get along with bipolar boyfriends who would always complain but don’t do anything. The usual birthday present will now have additional monthsary and anniversary gifts and then now the trends even narrowed down to weeksary! And the hardest thing is to always consider that someone in almost every decisions you’ll make, sometimes even for the most simple things. And that’s why I am afraid to take that first step to dating and courtship. Then came the couple shirts, the pre-nuptial videos online, the hashtag-relationship-goals-captions of pictures throughout the internet. Now, whenever I open my Facebook account, I see wedding photos of college friends (I even saw the wedding pictures of my student during internship); pregnant pictures of high school schoolmates or family pictures (complete with kids) of Elementary batchmates. It might be normal for me to look back at my twenty-two years of existence and realizing that all this time, while these people are happily settling down, I am single and no boyfriend since birth. I would look at their happy pictures and I’d tell myself it’s actually the memories they have together with their partners that I have been missing all this time. That even though I am already fine by myself, there must be a different level of completeness to be with someone you love who loves you as much or maybe more.

 

There are times I’d wonder what it feels like to have someone by your side to comfort you when you’re in pain and cheer you up when you’re feeling low. Or to have someone who would still wait for you even when you are constantly late. To know that someone will understand your different moods or listen to your endless complains. To have someone fulfill your different requests or at least try to grant even those nonsense wishes because he knows those trivial things will actually make you smile. I often wonder what it would be like to have someone who will fight for you. Someone who will celebrate your success, love your flaws, kiss your tears, hug the differences that you have with him as part of who you are. How to have someone who will respect the limits you set, who will reprimand if needed and helps you conquer the greatest fears or deepest sorrows you have. I wonder what it would be like to have someone who will be contented, who will need you as much as he needs air to breathe and knows exactly your worth. Someone who will show how much he loves you when you’re around and loves you even more when you’re not. Someone who can keep your secrets and help mend the heartaches from long time ago. For someone to fear your God and make your faith even stronger. I want to know how it feels like to realize that there is someone who will stay with you, even when you are at odds with the rest of the world.

 

How ideal it is for all these “someones” to be combined. And to be with this someone who would love every inch of you down to the very core of your soul is like a dream coming true. Waiting for him to come might take some time. It might take some pain or heartaches from others who will come first but as someone told me once, everything will surely fall in its perfect place. I believe the heart will know when that someone who is meant exactly and only for you has finally come. Until then, I, with a heart full of hope, will wait patiently and faithfully for I know there is someone out there looking too.They say true love is hard to find and that keeping one is way harder. But maybe there is truth in those stories we read or watch. The ones which made us cry or believe that someone could love as much as the characters did. The stories that kept us up all night wishing it will happen to us too. The fact remains that the greatest love stories ever told have also weathered the strongest storms. I don’t lose hope that it’s still possible to find someone who would fall genuinely in love with you nowadays. It will be a matter of who you will be choosing and that’s why you have to wait. Someday, if not anytime soon, I am going to give it a shot, of course. My teacher told me once that it’s better to fall in love and get hurt than to never love at all.

Seasons

 

Your laughter is summer to my ears
Full of life and radiant as the bright sky on a sunny day
Yours is the sound of a glorious morning
With flock of birds chirping high above the trees.

Your eyes are the homey feeling brought about by rainy days
When I snuggle in my room and listen to the raindrops outside
Or the pancakes and chocolate drinks on a foggy morning
Inside a cabin in the woods.

You are my summer and rainy days
And guess my four seasons too.
Had I experienced spring, autumn and winter
You’d be my yearlong companion still.

You’d be the crackling fire in the hearth
On a freezing winter season
The cloak, the gloves, the coats and boots
You are the comfort I need on trying times.

You’d be the freshest air I inhale
While strolling on a grassy field on spring
The warmth I have longed for during winter.
You’re a spring baby, you symbolize hope and new beginnings.

You’d be the golden leaves that’ll fall on the book I’m reading
During one lazy afternoon on a dreamy autumn
You’d be the bursting colors that’ll surround me
You are this world’s final showcase of beauty before winter comes.

And if I have to choose, I’d like you to stay autumn
Because autumn would have been my favorite season
Guess already my favorite even before I experience it
Autumn is the season’s version of saving the best for last.

You are in every varying degrees of sun’s hotness
In the different shapes of moon as it graces the night sky
You are my ever changing season
The different shades and colors the Earth provide.

You are my every moment
You are my everyday
You are my 365 days and a quarter
My 365 days, 5 hours, 48 minutes and 46 seconds to be precise.

Nostalgia

 

Today, I remembered you. And unlike all the other days when I managed to shrug the thoughts and pushed the memories back where it belonged, now it’s just stubbornly lingering in my mind. It’s in the surface of my heart where I cannot simply ignore it and by each passing minute, it’s becoming more vivid I am like watching a movie about our past. At times like this, I always go crazy scolding myself for not being able to move forward. I get mad for staying stuck and trapped regardless of what I do to let go. I cannot talk to anyone. My mother likes you so much I just can’t tell her you are already enjoying the best days of your life and I am left feeling resentful. My friends are tired of my never ending story of regret and tale of broken hearts. I can no longer count the times I told them I am already letting you go, that I have moved on and I am happy for you finding someone else. I’ve been repeating it more to fool myself than to make others believe because they said sometimes if you’ll tell a lie over and over, you’ll find even yourself believing it. Sometimes I feel victorious thinking I have finally moved on but I always go back to this phase, where I start thinking about you and all there is to reminisce.

Whenever I think of you, I always remember your smile, it’s by far the sweetest I have ever seen. When you smile at me, I feel like the world stops and I have all your attention to myself. Your smile, despite everything, makes me feel important. Your laughter is music to my ears. It’s as good as listening to the birds chirp and the leaves rustle, and let me tell you that I really love nature’s sound. Your laugh is so genuine it fills my heart with mirth. Then those loving eyes, how could you look at me and make me feel you are staring directly into my soul. Your eyes wash away all my pretenses and just let me be myself. You have eyes that make me want to melt whenever you look at me. You look at me and I just want to lock myself in your embrace. It might just be me, but the familiarity of your eyes is striking. It’s like I have been looking at you for a very long time it makes me want to believe we have been together in our past lives. Like maybe we have been looking at each other for hundreds or millions of years now, in this universe and the others.
What if we have been seeing each other for many lifetimes now and we just never ended up together? What if we’ll have to reicarnate again and again until we’ll manage to pull things together and stand up for what we feel? Won’t you want to end up with me in this lifetime and in this very universe?

I want to believe we are really destined. I want to entertain the thought that after this long journey we’ll find each other at the end. They said if you really want something, the universe will conspire to help you have it. I WANT YOU. I WANT YOU SO BAD. You may not feel the same way but I really want to see you now. I want to look at those eyes again and see for myself if the years have changed my worth. I want to watch you smile and see if I still brighten up your day.

You are my home. Nothing feels more familiar than being with you. If you would ask me, I would trade anything just to spend every waking time by your side, slowly growing old with you and the many kids we’ll have. I’d like to picture us holding each others wrinkled hands forty years from now. Softly bumping our white haired heads whenever we lean at each other. I want to see those two pairs of fuzzy slippers side by side at the front door when we come home visiting the children who are already living independently that time.

I want us. I want to still stubbornly want us despite everyone opposing it. This is crazy that I can’t get over us when in the first place there was hardly an us. Ours is a clichĂ© love story. I am a clichĂ© character. You are a clichĂ© love interest. Everything is a clichĂ©. Yet in this lifetime, in my lifetime, I think I will only love one person this much. And I haven’t wanted anything so badly. I wonder now, why is it so hard for me to be given a second chance at love?

Don’t Fall In Love With Me

 

Don’t fall in love with me

I am broke in many places, broken by someone many times without him knowing

I am a constant reminder that one can break so badly

Until there’s only a little breakable part that’s left.

 

My heart is clouded with distrust, more often suspicious than not

Hardened by pain, I only show what I want you to see

Face still kissed with the remainder of yesterday’s tears,

I vowed not to shed a tear again.

 

I made it impossible to understand me

I have endless demands, I have constant complains

Yet never grateful nor appreciative

Don’t tell me you can put up with that, there’s no way you can nor will.

 

I am a free woman

No, you cannot tame me

I have been strengthened by the long years of not needing,

Not needing someone to care nor to mind that nobody did.

 

I cannot allow you to come and confuse me

Stop… don’t start something I know you wouldn’t see to its end

You are a cliché ,

You’d come, linger then walk away.

 

You cannot fool me in believing that honeyed tongue

Do not expect me to fall for those traps you set

You say what you think I would like to hear

But no, you don’t know me yet.

 

I am not like the ones before me nor the ones before her

I will not easily fall, I wouldn’t let myself fall

I will not allow myself the luxury of temporary pleasure

In exchange for a thousand unspeakable heartaches.

 

How then, when knowing  you are filled with lies and hollow promises,

You are still effortlessly corrupting a part of me that’s falling prey to your schemes?

Viciously devouring that vulnerable, wanting part of my heart

Awaking that hopeless romantic, naive version of me.

 

Don’t make me hope, don’t make me fall

Don’t whisper sweet words you cannot do, I might just give in

Don’t let me let you break what he hasn’t broken yet

Don’t make me fall in love with you.