Nostalgia

 

Today, I remembered you. And unlike all the other days when I managed to shrug the thoughts and pushed the memories back where it belonged, now it’s just stubbornly lingering in my mind. It’s in the surface of my heart where I cannot simply ignore it and by each passing minute, it’s becoming more vivid I am like watching a movie about our past. At times like this, I always go crazy scolding myself for not being able to move forward. I get mad for staying stuck and trapped regardless of what I do to let go. I cannot talk to anyone. My mother likes you so much I just can’t tell her you are already enjoying the best days of your life and I am left feeling resentful. My friends are tired of my never ending story of regret and tale of broken hearts. I can no longer count the times I told them I am already letting you go, that I have moved on and I am happy for you finding someone else. I’ve been repeating it more to fool myself than to make others believe because they said sometimes if you’ll tell a lie over and over, you’ll find even yourself believing it. Sometimes I feel victorious thinking I have finally moved on but I always go back to this phase, where I start thinking about you and all there is to reminisce.

Whenever I think of you, I always remember your smile, it’s by far the sweetest I have ever seen. When you smile at me, I feel like the world stops and I have all your attention to myself. Your smile, despite everything, makes me feel important. Your laughter is music to my ears. It’s as good as listening to the birds chirp and the leaves rustle, and let me tell you that I really love nature’s sound. Your laugh is so genuine it fills my heart with mirth. Then those loving eyes, how could you look at me and make me feel you are staring directly into my soul. Your eyes wash away all my pretenses and just let me be myself. You have eyes that make me want to melt whenever you look at me. You look at me and I just want to lock myself in your embrace. It might just be me, but the familiarity of your eyes is striking. It’s like I have been looking at you for a very long time it makes me want to believe we have been together in our past lives. Like maybe we have been looking at each other for hundreds or millions of years now, in this universe and the others.
What if we have been seeing each other for many lifetimes now and we just never ended up together? What if we’ll have to reicarnate again and again until we’ll manage to pull things together and stand up for what we feel? Won’t you want to end up with me in this lifetime and in this very universe?

I want to believe we are really destined. I want to entertain the thought that after this long journey we’ll find each other at the end. They said if you really want something, the universe will conspire to help you have it. I WANT YOU. I WANT YOU SO BAD. You may not feel the same way but I really want to see you now. I want to look at those eyes again and see for myself if the years have changed my worth. I want to watch you smile and see if I still brighten up your day.

You are my home. Nothing feels more familiar than being with you. If you would ask me, I would trade anything just to spend every waking time by your side, slowly growing old with you and the many kids we’ll have. I’d like to picture us holding each others wrinkled hands forty years from now. Softly bumping our white haired heads whenever we lean at each other. I want to see those two pairs of fuzzy slippers side by side at the front door when we come home visiting the children who are already living independently that time.

I want us. I want to still stubbornly want us despite everyone opposing it. This is crazy that I can’t get over us when in the first place there was hardly an us. Ours is a cliché love story. I am a cliché character. You are a cliché love interest. Everything is a cliché. Yet in this lifetime, in my lifetime, I think I will only love one person this much. And I haven’t wanted anything so badly. I wonder now, why is it so hard for me to be given a second chance at love?